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Age of Restriction
Who I am isn’t that important.
My name is definitely not important, This is my most painful story. Which sets the tone for how I can help.
I was working as a programmer. I was lacking a loving partner in my life, something I never had my whole life, I was too scared to even approach a girl, let alone get a date, so I decided to get heavily into self-development. I began knowledge seeking, working out, doing things I was scared to do my whole life, like approaching girls. Everything was perfect at that time. I was feeling on top of the world and in constant flow with life. There was no hesitation about anything.
Then came the fateful day where I had to confront my greatest fear, my father. See, I hadn’t spoken to my father for at least 2 years prior to that day but I was still dependent on him. I got home and he was just yelling at my older brother, it was kind of routine for him. I hated it, it made me feel horrible hearing him. I couldn’t bear it. My brother’s well-being was at stake here, so I made the courageous decision to confront him. He was in my living room, my resolve broke immediately when I saw him. So I went straight for the bathroom. I spent a few minutes there trying to bring back my resolve. My heart was pounding and my breath was heavy. I exited and confronted him. We got into the most intense argument of my life. We were shouting at the top of our lungs. I was like why are you doing this, this isn’t right. You keep doing this. It’s not helping. After a few minutes of arguing, he says this sentence that completely broke me. He was like “why do I need you, if I have a thousand people like you”, I was in absolute shock, I broke, I left the conversation. I went to my room thinking, How could be say that to me? I was his son. Didn’t he love me?
From that day forward I started to slow down and began a slow descent into a downward spiral. I stopped exercising and lost my self confidence but kept striving for self improvement. I unknowingly started developing addictive habits, with weed, porn, video game etc. Two months later I decided to move out. I got my own apartment then eventually quit my job. I was failing at every new project I started. A few months later I moved in with some friends. I remember being in the apartment and doing dishes and just wanting to die. The pain was still in me and was starting to take its toll. I was getting really tired and depressed. My life became a living hell. I had this pain of rejection bottled and I’m too scared to feel it.
I was non-stop seeking pleasure to feel good. At one point I kept chasing orgasms and they became less fulfilling, eventually I could barely feel anything. I was like now what? Then I had an enlightenment experience. For two weeks after that I was in deep peace. But the worst for me had yet to come.
In the coming months, my depression got deeper and deeper, my will to live was non-existent but I was hanging on to dear life. My addictive behavior got worse. I went back home because I couldn’t maintain healthy relationships with anyone. Everyone I met I would leak my suffering to. I stopped meeting friends and stop going out. I was still desperately looking for a solution. I then stumbled upon yoga, I took a course, but didn’t have the will to keep up a daily practice.
I then made my way to a nearby ashram, the Sivananda Yoga Camp. I spent a few months there, I was in complete misery most of my time there. I had found people who were like me on the spiritual path and trying to heal. I’ve been keeping up a daily practice since and feel better than ever. I’ve re-learned how to cry and forgiven my father. I no longer fear pain.
I’m at a place now here I can help people who have been through a similar experience, so they don’t have to suffer like I did. I’m offering online coaching services for this reason. If this resonates with you, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
I appreciate you taking the time to read. Thank you!
Namaskaram. I am a Master of Jnana Yoga and Vedanta. I also practice hatha and kriya yoga. I am devoted to Sadhguru. I offer coaching solutions for life problems. My strongest asset is my focus, I use it to redirect your thought stream toward something more constructive, like the truth or whatever is needed in the moment.
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