The pursuit of Happiness & the Tangled web we trap ourselves in ..
Secrets of the Universe it has taken me several trips around the sun to figure :
Truth is… the only thing we have a modicum of control over is our own energy.
So no amount of chasing someone, hoping, praying, swearing will change another’s choices or behaviour.
All you can do… is Return your Energy 2 you…. Seriously, that's your best bet! Wisest option.. Smartest choice ..You get the drift…
Every day I work with women of all ages, stages and circumstances; the one thing they have in common?
Chasing/ Wailing/ Lusting after a man… Hysterical, Manic , Depressed & Highly Volatile… all over what exactly?
A fallible human being?
There is a theory that men are NOT designed to be faithful, they are “programmed” to procreate and wander...women are the nurturers and naturally want the man to stay, to provide (not sure about this since most women end up working and providing far more than men these days ) to keep the family together…
As much as I recoil from this cut and dried extremely pragmatic notion, my own life experience (and my clients) do validate it largely. Yep I have been one of those women and I empathise deeply and (also vow to empower them)
So what's to be done? Are we destined to a lifetime of chasing after reluctant men who remain elusive till they are too old or lazy to run?
Truth be known this post is not solely about women chasing unrequited love; It is equally applicable to anyone (male , female or however you may choose to identify) struggling to get out of their own way..if you find yourself constantly pushing in a direction then you are in “Resistance” and not “In Flow” as we say in “Energy circles”..
Whether this is about Love, Money, Family or Work , Dreams or Goals… we all find ourselves challenged at some point…
Theories and drama aside… I do have some basic beliefs I subscribe to…
What you resist persists….so the more you chase the more likely he will flee...the more you screech the more reclusive he will be . Nag more ? He's out the door.
So should you simply endure? Like women of yore? Permit promiscuity and more? Certainly not I say but within the limits of reason (& sanity) we must still remain.
What's a girl to do?
Shift your focus for starters… easier said I know… But like we observed earlier the only thing we have a modicum of control over is our own energy...so really what I have learned & always advocate is … Ladies.. Pour all that love, affection, energy and attention back into you. Create moments to feel good, celebrate and enjoy life every day. Whether that's baking or shopping,dancing or painting..getting a makeover or yoga.. Do what it takes to make you feel good , a little every day. Meditation & Exercise I swear by and strongly advocate (not only for what it makes you look like, but also how it makes you feel).
Now I am going to use two examples .. Loosely based on real life clients (to protect confidentiality of course) to highlight how powerful our choices really are)
There's “Persistent Resistance “ So client A ; lets call her Annabelle.. is heartbroken, her long time partner has left and chosen to be with another. They were together well over a decade though thankfully they didn't live together so understandably she is shattered… I will say though that when she came to me they had split up two years ago..
Now her ex is considering marriage and this has sent Annabelle into a tailspin… The break up has taken a serious toll on her health (physical and mental) . She is in therapy and on medication but nothing seems to be helping too much.
She says she “needs “ to talk to me on a daily basis and spends a considerable amount of money & time doing so. Now fortunately for Annabelle I am not someone who takes herself too seriously.. I am a channel the Universe has sent to help her and as I keep telling her if not me , someone else will soon be along to fulfil the exact same role.
Now each time I make recommendations I note she resists them.. She cannot work out, makes every excuse not to move (though she does have her doctors permission to exercise in moderation ) she hmms when I suggest she journal, she humms when I say meditate she has shown zero interest or commitment to even trying guided meditation practises (which do help folks who are new to meditation).
Annabelle is a very well respected professional , she has risen high in her field ; received awards and accolades and is recognised as a leader, many depend on her everyday ; so it is critical that she feels healthy and able to do her job.
I have recommended books she can read/ listen to, movies she can watch… she acknowledges my recommendations and then simply ignores them.
Initially I would get incredibly frustrated with her, but since I am not one to give up on people and since I identified & empathised so much with her “conditioning” and “resistance” (getting stuck on how, why, where, being able to know for sure, in short control outcomes) we are a work in progress.
I continue to remind her to “choose” wisely every single day.. Gently encouraging her to see and be grateful for the “good” each day.. Even if it's something teensy like a pretty flower in her garden… sadly she chooses to continue to wallow in her grief.. Continues to view everything through a lens of “the way we were” and is adamant she will never ever find love or happiness again.. So the flower reminds her of her ex… and she's miserable all over again cue repeat cycle in misery which she is now “comfortable “ in.
She continues to resist. Don't get me wrong… her struggles are real.. And it truly breaks my heart to watch her suffer each day.. (Unlike many therapists.. I am not blessed with the gift of detachment & as a High Level Empath this type of client is always very challenging for me). But my point here is simply that I truly believe she chooses to remain in this place, I have many times advised that Happiness is a fleeting emotion..
Realistically we can't all be skipping down sidewalks every moment of our lives..and I don't pitch eternal sunshine to anyone.. (Just the ability to focus on it when it does appear, however fleetingly… :)!)
Annabelle alas remains a perfect example of how and why people get in their own way and choose to remain there… I don't blame her, a lot of women our generation and after particularly are conditioned to be accountable, expected to “own “ their stuff and be “responsible” for their choices.
So the poor thing really can't be blamed for trying to stay in reasonable control… and resist changes (even when they are good for her) .
She is so stuck and scared of change she refuses to allow the Universe any room to help her. Recently she inherited (pure luck as she wasn't due to ) a piece of property… which she had always dreamt of owning.
Instead of being thrilled and grateful , she was alarmed and fearful.. Because when she had wished for it earlier she had intended to share it, envisioned living in it with her ex.
Now all she could think of was prosaic mundane details, like the rundown state, the need for repairs, cost of expenses etc. She flatly refused to see her extraordinary luck… and chose to focus only on the negative…
This of course allows the universe very little leeway to help her… to open more doors etc.. since she insists on slamming them shut , refusing to entertain hope, gratitude or indeed any positive emotion for an extended period of time.
Now if the dominant emotions she feels on a sustained basis for years at a time.. Anger, frustration and fear… etc.. what do you suppose she will “attract “ into her life?
In contrast I like to think of another client Rosa who hails from a completely different part of the world, she is a single mother entirely self made… an immigrant in a foreign land who's made a super success of her career and continues to grow in leaps and bounds…
Rosa's life has not been a bed of roses (forgive me) she grew up with little and family troubles like many do… her folks had to move countries because of an outbreak of war in their birth country , they lost everything and had to start from scratch in their new adopted land.
To her credit Rosa rose (sorry, sorry) to the challenge & slayed.. Unfortunately she hasn't been quite as lucky with her relationships; she had the tendency to “attract” a certain type of man.. And she would happily leap in head first into escapade after escapade, each time hoping for the best, each time falling down, picking herself up , dusting herself off and marching on… ( I'm more of a Rosa type girl myself truth be known so I resonate completely.. Only those of us who have walked through the fire… understand how to dance around ‘ em flames )...
She is in her 40s now and when her last relationship ended in not very amicable circumstances (he cheated with her best friend) .. she came to me for help… Now here is where Rosa differs from many…
She had the wisdom to reach out for additional perspective and support and she actually chose to consider it and take it on board… QUICKLY.
In a very short period of time; I saw her shed the betrayal, anger and fear (truth be known she had very little of it, instinctively trusting herself and the universe to have her back) and literally bounce back…
She attracted a brand new admirer (yes I have beseeched her to take it slower this time) and is grateful AND content. She is happy in the moment and again trusts that she is protected and loved!
The Universe loves a grateful, trusting heart !
The difference between the two women's attitude to relationship woes… the remarkable difference in their future circumstances….the one who clings in resistance , refusing to change remains stuck in fear and pain… the other has learned from, released and moved on from her unhappy past.
So I hope this helps with a perspective if you find yourself struggling with a challenge in your life, could be anything, if you notice yourself repeatedly trying , getting increasingly upset , fearful and worried… stop… take a few deep calming breaths and consider..
Where are you pushing “too hard” ? Could you perhaps consider stepping back… turning your eyes heavenward … and appealing to God/ Goddess/ The Universe or whomever you choose to pray to? Ask to be guided and then TRUST that you will be.
Don't get stuck in wondering how, or why or when.. There's a time for logic and there's a time for faith.
It's really up to you in the here and now what you choose … It doesn't matter what you have been through or where you are, all that matters is your ability to stay in faith & trust.
For those of you who like me are probably conditioned to being accountable and responsible for decades….
Take your hands off the wheel and open them up to receive ? We are either clinging or receiving … you can't be open to receive if your fists are tightly shut....
Love & Light!