Who can we become and how far can we evolve when the concept of ourselves limits us?

“Being yourself” is a concept I’ve tried to embody. It’s a statement that permits you — even though you don’t need it — to show up as yourself authentically. When we’re born we are a clean slate but later on, we’re inserted into a society where we are fed thoughts, beliefs, limitations and emotions that aren’t ours. Most times, these themes drown out aspects of ourselves that aren’t true to who we are and as a result in adulthood, our job is to un-learn and remember who we truly are.

What makes us tick? What are our interests? What is our viewpoint on life outside of the viewpoints that people have indoctrinated into us?

I’ve found that our sense of Self is challenged by those who have no concept of self or less of a self-concept so glimmers and flashes of our authenticity may be challenged or suppressed to retain the comfort of others.

We must hold onto ourselves and stand firmly in who we are in a world that desperately wants us to remain small and distracted.

Being yourself means being authentic to your true self. It means showing up as the real version of you void of inauthentic masks apart from modified ones that help you camouflage in the right environments. I’ve found that in wearing masks that weren’t mine to make others comfortable, I denied others the privilege of knowing the real me. How can one foster an authentic relationship with others when we present a watered-down version of ourselves to make others comfortable? What benefit does it bring when we dim our light because it may rattle the insecurities of the insecure?

Abraham Hicks, as shared by Esther Hicks, offers empowering teachings about living authentically, finding joy, and attracting what you desire in life through the power of positive thinking and alignment with your true self.

Being as you are is a benefit to others.

— Abraham Hicks

When we speak on the concept of being ourselves, we’re speaking on the act of being comfortable revealing your true face to others. It means being expressive of your needs, wants, boundaries and feelings, rather than hiding those things for fear of rejection, abandonment and the reaction of others. When we minimise our true character for fear of how it will be perceived, we engage in self-betrayal, and the more we self-betray, the more we increase the distance between us and our higher selves. It is never worth it, and this is why people become shocked at how much they have lost themselves in a relationship with another. A relationship that can only thrive on a smaller version of you isn’t a relationship to invest in. A relationship that resists the version of you that takes up space isn’t a relationship to invest in too.

How Societal Conditioning Shapes Our Self-Concept

At times, our concept of self may have been tarnished from childhood where it seemed as though we had to fit into the little box of self that those around us wanted us to stay in for them to be able to love us. This type of programming is what we take into the real world, playing a smaller version of ourselves to be loved, to fit into a community or to be seen. However, this is of no benefit to us because true power lies in our embodiment of authenticity. Taking up space is our birthright, using our voice to express our needs, feelings and boundaries is a right that should never be taken away from us. We do not exist for the comfort of others, and if expressing your true self makes certain people uncomfortable, then they are not your people.

A people-pleaser learns to disguise their real face and to take up minimal space because sometime in their childhood they learned that that is what they needed to do to be loved. However, the consequences of that show up in their toxic and inauthentic relationships as predators and narcissists take advantage of that and utilise their traits to their benefit. The irony is when a people-pleaser wakes up, begins to say “no” and implements boundaries and consequences for mistreatment. That is when they are seen as a “villain” when in reality a villain wouldn’t allow themselves to be pushed around nor let people get their way at their own expense. If putting yourself first, saying the magic word (No), and implementing boundaries make a person like you less, then that person was never your person; they only enjoyed the benefits of your lack of boundaries.

I’ve enjoyed switching up on people in the past where I presented the face of a people pleaser and revealed who I truly was — a no-nonsense woman with strict boundaries. I savoured saying “no” where a person thought I would say yes, and I enjoyed challenging the grandiose delusions of narcissists. Being disagreeable, and challenging riled up discomfort in such people, and the final nail in the coffin was revoking access because I knew the standards of people I wanted around me. I’ve seen first-hand the sinkhole one’s inability to say no could pull them into if they allowed themselves to be led astray by the ill-intentioned and I’d never said “no” so fast to prevent that. Never underestimate the depths the insecure would seek to pull you into if they can rely on your inability to say no. My expression of the magic word resulted in an ill-intentioned person falling into the hole they dug for me. Legends say, said person is still in there trying to find a way to escape. How tragic.

The secret to being yourself is getting to know yourself the way you would a friend or relative.

Practical Steps to Discover and Embrace Your Authentic Self

• Sit with yourself and figure out your likes and dislikes.

• Feel into what your body is comfortable with and isn’t comfortable with.

• Exercise your voice — my best technique is watching films or shows in which the protagonist is an assertive and strong character. This technique ensures your subconscious soaks up the information so you have a reference point for inspiration.

• Engage in creative outlets or hobbies that empower you — a lack of self is a lack of self-empowerment, by engaging in empowering activities you begin to build your sense of self.

• Observe strong characters in society and your community. Take note of the traits you admire in them — admiring traits in another means you also have those traits and can conceive them from within as well.

• Journal and read past entries — this helps with one’s self-development journey.

• Exercise boundaries even when it makes you uncomfortable — your self-respect is the most important thing. Do everything to build up on it.
  Have you watched those shows/films where the main character finally stands up to their bully and there’s that sense of victory they feel and you feel for them too? It feels ten times better when you do it for yourself. Trust me.

• Dive deeper into your insecurities, trauma and limitations — this is shadow work and one cannot thrive and be a better version of themselves without sitting with these themes and figuring out a way to work through them. Therapy always helps but for those who cannot afford therapy, there are numerous resources online that can assist with your self-healing (or you can listen to podcasts on self-improvement).

• Forgive yourself for the times you didn’t know better — I always say there is no need to beat yourself down when the world already tries to do that. You made mistakes — we all make mistakes — the beauty is in implementing the wisdom gained from those mistakes.

• Revoking access — some people have benefited from your presence, resources and love when they never deserved it, those same people will seek to keep you small so you never outgrow them. Revoking access to those undeserving of you builds up your self-esteem, you’re telling yourself you matter and are only deserving of being in relations with people who want the best for you and are good for you.

• Inner child healing — this comes with shadow work but deserves its point. Go back to how you were as a child, how you used to be and express yourself before you were beaten down. Revive the relationship with the little you, protect them in this big bad world and see how that benefits you greatly.

• Affirmations — Affirmations work. Repeating affirmations that reinforce a high sense of Self will positively progress your self-development. I recommend the channel of High Frequency Guru. She’s amazing at elevating one’s self-concept and increasing the confidence of her listeners.

By engaging in the listed activities above, you can gradually begin to know yourself, heal and build yourself up to be the person you were born to be. In embracing your true self, you unlock not just your own potential but inspire others to do the same — a ripple effect that changes the world.

What steps have you taken to embrace your true self? Share your journey in the comments!