Ethereal Fai

1. Focus on yourself. The main character is You so the whole world revolves around you.

2. Pour into yourself. Take yourself out on solo dates, trips to the spa, walks in the park, or anything that fills your cup. Remember that it is from your overflow that you can give to others.

3. Exercise. You need to know your body so you can feel discomfort when it arises and your intuition when it speaks through your bodily sensations.

4. Use your mouth. Pretend nobody else exists to advocate for you but you. Say everything and don't hold back. Stand your ground.

5. Restrict access to you. Think of yourself as a house, vet everyone knocking on your door and determine how long they stay or who has overstayed their welcome.

6. Set boundaries to teach others how to treat you. Boundaries show how much you love yourself and how to teach people to love you.

7. Always take up space. You're royalty. Act like it.

8. Love yourself the way you want to be loved, most times we make the mistake of doing that for others. Love yourself first, put yourself first and then love others through your overflow. Never the other way around.

9. Protect and encourage your inner child. That's a secret to life; never lose that childlike spirit.

10. Follow your dreams. There is nothing you cannot achieve. Remember that.

What a year! As the year ends in my 29th year, these are 29 lessons I solidified to carry into my 30th year and a new era.

1. You are your person and should trust yourself to navigate life your way.

2. Stay away from people who don't love themselves. They will attempt to distract you, sabotage you or attack your sense of Self for their satisfaction. (Yikes!)

3. Being in your power and moving from that place is sexy. The world wants you to be powerless and to choose otherwise is the perfect act of defiance.

4. Speak up about your feelings. The truth will break all illusions.

5. Implement and stand on your boundaries immediately after they are crossed.

6. Put yourself and your feelings first. Self-preservation is a great act of self-love.

7. This world is spirit-first. There are numerous people with evil intentions. If your spirit senses something is off, act on it.

8. Confidence is key. Befriend those that possess it, the latter will lead to your downfall.

9. You don't have to fit in. If you don't fit in, you are meant to stand out.

10. The insecure need large numbers to feel strong. The secure can stand alone.

11. Keep your information to yourself, or share wisely. The unfortunate feed on this and will seek to use it to their advantage.

12. Leave at the first red flag.

13. You are in control of what you entertain.

14. Access to you is important; you can revoke it from those who don't deserve it.

15. Keep working on your craft, it will pay off eventually.

16. Those who are spiritually poor, and lack integrity and values should stay far away from you.

17. Monitoring spirits are real. Watch out for them.

18. The insecure can't take what they dish out; dish it anyway.

19. Celebrate your wins even when no one else does.

20. Your self-love is an armour to low-quality experiences and people.

21. If people don't respect or value you, show them the door.

22. A strong cut-off game is a great strategy.

23. Stand on business.

24. Don't stop fighting for what you want despite obstacles that come your way.

25. Dance with life.

26. Honour your ancestors. They are protecting you from more than you think.

27. Embrace all aspects and facets of you, even if those around you don't.

28. Shine brightly. It will attract the right people to you and repel the wrong ones.

29. Have faith that better will come and honour the present moment.

Forcing Yourself To Fit In

When I think of self-erasure it comes up for me as a theme in relationships. In this way, our concept of relationships is moulded by the people around us during our development years. As a result, we copied their communication style, learnt from their emotional neglect or emotional nurturing and will spend our adult lives replaying those same patterns until we decide to change them.

Self-erasure comes up for you in relationships with your caregivers or community members who taught you through their actions that you were more palatable when you were less of yourself. You may have possibly had people around you who downplayed, belittled or talked down to authentic expressions of your personality. These actions deemed your self-expression wrong, causing you to erase those parts of yourself for general approval.

It is understandable, considering a child wants nothing more than to be seen as good by those they love. Unfortunately, most older people in certain cultures such as West African culture see that vulnerability and choose to prey on it. They use this as an opportunity to manipulate and mould the vulnerability of children to who they perceive as likeable. That’s why we find ourselves fighting for autonomy when we are older, later realising we never had to fight. I liken that parenting style to emotional colonialism; the occupation of a child's identity with a projection of their own to keep them within their control and their limits thereby stunting their emotional growth and identity development.

Don't you find that unfair, reader? To hinder a free spirit before it has a chance to bloom? To restrict their wings before they have a chance to fly?

A child's formative years are from the ages 0-7, in which a child's brain is like a sponge as it soaks up all the information within its environment. If subjected to relationships with caretakers that seek to occupy their spirit, whilst also subjecting them to emotional neglect and criticism; it is easier to be moulded into young people who will do anything to be seen as valuable in the eyes of their caretakers. This is how people-pleasers are created; people who were raised with conditional love, who had to perform in ways that please their caretakers in order to receive care, love and feel valued. This is why many children are quick to grow up; they realise how to navigate the emotional environment of their emotionally immature caretakers and thus suppress the child in them to be the young adult that ensures everyone else's needs are taken care of. As a result, they create a story that to survive within their world, they have to suppress their needs and take up as little space as possible, but that never works because the oppressors in their environment consistently show through further actions the need for you to erase yourself completely. This limits the younger generation and hinders them further as they venture out into the world going to educational institutions and then professional ones. The generation before them restricts their identity, with some becoming trained in their own act of deception.

How Self Erasure hinders you

Let's say you've become used to self-erasure due to an upbringing in a toxic environment, the danger of that will express itself in your relationships outside the home. One has to remember the increased danger because strangers don't know you so they won't have an ounce of care that a caretaker may have for you despite their toxic attitude. In romantic relationships and friendships, you will first go through the cycle of attracting relationships that replicate the one you had with your caretakers. This will be the subconscious's need to correct the outcome of the relationship you had with them through another person. Thus, you undergo the paper doll effect of meeting the same person in different bodies over and over till you break out of the cycle. People who self-erase are more attractive to narcissists and takers; this is because their self-esteem is rooted in needing approval and needing to be loved and valued. Narcissists are able to spot people with a certain wound that leaves them open to occupying their spirits. When a narcissist first meets their new supply, there is the idealisation stage in which the supply is put on a pedestal and showered with love and affection. This is to lure them in and make them comfortable. After a while, the mask is removed and their real face is revealed in which they begin to devalue and criticise their supply to lower their worth. This can come as a surprise for the victim but because they are used to such acts from before, they find themselves erasing and conforming in order to please.

Once again, we must take narcissism on a spirit level as the act of a lower spirit seeking to occupy the spirit of a purer soul. You would never have been targeted if there wasn't a strong light within you. That's the reason you were scapegoated during your developmental years.

In order to fight against spiritual colonialism, in order to fight against giving up control and self-autonomy; we have to reclaim ourselves. We have to remember ourselves and reunite with the parts of us that fragmented because we wanted to be loved. If one is on the spiritual or self-development path, they will reach a point after recognising patterns in their relationships that give them clarity. They will realise they can no longer do things the way they've always done. So a first step to counter this would be self-reclamation.

Some ways to reclaim self are:

• Getting to know yourself all over again
• Cultivating self-love
• Reuniting with the parts of you people criticised.
• Realising your strengths

Let me let you in on a little secret, what people criticise about you is a personal strength of yours. If they didn't see it as a threat, they wouldn't comment.

You counter self-erasure by being rebellious; by listening only to the voice of your soul.

We aren't here to appeal to people, who most times have zero sense of self, which is why they target you. We are here to appeal to our soul and act in line with our higher self. Anybody wanting you to dim or reduce yourself is an enemy, and should no longer be granted access to you. Remember that by dimming, you bring yourself down to their level, making it easier for them to attack you. That is their ultimate goal.

Self-erasure also looks like:

• Not expressing your needs
• Not expressing your boundaries
• Putting other's needs before yours
• Pouring more into others than they do into you thus leads to imbalanced relationships
• Pretending you don't feel the intuitive nudges that indicate how wrong certain people are for you
• Overgiving and overperforming
• Dimming your light to accommodate people's insecurities

We are worthy of taking up space, voicing our needs and exerting our boundaries. When you have a light within, it's your responsibility to feed it.

Ways to feed your light

• Explore your interests
• Recite affirmations to yourself in the mirror
• Create art
• Shine by doing what makes you happy
• Get to know yourself and embrace all the parts of you
• Accept all the parts of you you rejected
• Forgive yourself for past mistakes
• Embody the wisdom gained from past mistakes
• Be compassionate with yourself
• Be brave and courageous when taking risks
• Express yourself honestly
• Listen and act on your intuition
• Believing you are worthy and deserving of all your desires
• Believing you are worthy of taking space

You are wonderfully made just as you are. There should be no one in your life trying to tell you how to be or enforcing their own limitations onto you. You are your own person.

Be free.

Google’s definition of instinct is

‘the ability to understand something instinctively without the need for conscious reasoning’.

Instinct is a gift that has been reduced to something trivial.

This is a big mistake.

Women are naturally instinctive beings. We have an inner knowing that enables us to access information without the need for outside sources.

A woman’s intuition isn’t something to be played with or cast aside yet the patriarchal society we live in has made it an agenda to gaslight women into thinking what they feel is them being ‘crazy’. A woman is like a wolf, she can see/feel/taste/hear things beyond matter but our gifts are usually dismissed and we are forced to do the opposite of what we are feeling because society conditions us not to trust ourselves.

Book Recommendation for Women seeking to understand more about their intuition: Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

It is worth a read and is not just for women but the instinctive man who is in tune with his feminine side and seeks to understand more, and the beginner masculine trying to get to know the feminine within. It’s for all types of people.

I am yet to see a hypermasculine man strip himself of his defenses and seek to know the feminine within. I am more attracted to men who are in tune with both aspects of themselves, the strong masculine that leads easily and protects, and the soft feminine that listens, emotes and acts on intuition. Being a man with a balanced sense of self is an extremely attractive quality because it shows a man not afraid to understand his depths.

Some of us have been conditioned not to trust ourselves and it is the biggest betrayal we can possibly commit. If one doesn’t trust themselves, they will be powerless as they do not feel secure within and will therefore resort to looking without for safety and security, which shouldn’t be so.

Once again, all we are searching for is within.

Seeing through feelings is a favourite concept because it enables you to see through the bull. There have been times when I received information from observing certain people and situations but I doubted myself because there was no logical proof. This doubt cost me greatly each time.

Never doubt what you are feeling, especially when it is a feeling that is coming from the heart/gut and not the ego. We will learn how to tell the difference soon.

Intuition is a light voice that isn’t accompanied by heaviness or fear but by love. Messages from the ego are always accompanied by fear/doubt and lack love. Remember that.

How does one see through their feelings?

By using their heart as a compass.

How does one use their heart as a compass?

By tuning into it and listening.

When you are in an environment of people or interacting with a person, pay attention to the energy surrounding them. It lies beneath their words, their facial expressions, their body language, etc. It is so easy to pay attention to the information you receive at face value and disregard the off feeling you’re feeling while with someone. Don’t fall for that trap.

Everything is energy, which means it is easy to tap into it when you want to. Someone might be telling me words I would love to hear but my heart/gut may tell me otherwise. I choose to listen to the latter as it is never wrong.

Intuition is God’s way of speaking to you.

Trusting yourself is trusting God or a Higher Power around you. We have been equipped with resources to enable you to navigate through this game called Life and as people, we have been slacking greatly in using them.

The physical body is a receiver, it receives messages from the mind and emotional body. It cannot function on its own without a source to receive information from. This is why we should always pay attention to how we feel at all times. Our bodies are a good way of detecting what it is you need to know about your environment. Remember that.

Seeing through your feelings is paying attention to how you feel about everything.

This person seems nice and friendly but why do I feel it is all a performance?

That is because, it probably is.

Being in this room makes me feel weird. Should I leave?

Yes.

It is as simple as that but what makes it difficult is that immediately after intuition speaks softly, the loud harsh voice of fear/logic comes through.

Disregard it. Thinking of your intuition as a higher power guiding you should be a better way to overcome those voices and trust your intuition more. By listening and doing as it says, you strengthen it and it becomes louder.

Another way you can learn more about your intuition is by seeing how it feels in your body. The heaviness of fear has been deeply ingrained in our bodies that some of us have been programmed to subconsciously associate heaviness with what is right. This is why we disregarded our intuition whenever it spoke. We disregarded it because it didn’t feel heavy as heaviness meant certainty.

Intuition in this body feels like a hand on my shoulder and sounds like a soft voice alerting me lovingly. It is warm and kind and soothes all anxieties.

Some of us have been so conditioned to attaching ourselves to what feels uncomfortable that we tend to be skeptical of comfort. I wonder if this is due to being conditioned with the idea that good things come with strings attached, in this case, I do not place blame on anyone.

Seeing through your feelings especially in a world where a great amount of the population is focused on packaging the exterior to mask the less than flashy interior, it is extremely useful. Let us not let anyone sell us dreams.

Suggestions:

Pay attention to everything.

Become more aware of all your senses because you have them for a reason.

Watch documentaries on wolves to learn about their instincts.

Read more on developing your instincts.

Watch Youtube videos on intuition.

There is a lot at your disposal.

I assure you that when you go deep within, you will find out that you were all you ever needed in this play called Life.

Expression is about communicating a true aspect of yourself with the outer world and through the medium that works for you. Expressing gives our inner self permission to touch the world slightly, to test the waters of our environment and to observe what comes from that.

Self-expression is a form of release; a venting of one’s inner mind and feelings; the creation of relief. It can take form in art, music, writing, fashion etc. Most times, however, individuals may feel the need to repress aspects of themselves to survive their environment, thus limiting them from fulfilling their fullest potential.

Words such as "Don’t dim to fit in," could be what we tend to hear from time to time and yet still not be sure how not to dim.

How do we know we are dimming when we do not know when we shine?

A good question.

There are many ways an individual lights up and these will include means of expressing themselves in a way that may involve art and other recreational and technical experiences. What matters is that we are being gifted the feeling of release, the ability to decompress and be, without thinking. We are given a chance to breathe.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” — Maya Angelou

There is a story inside all of us waiting to be told, albeit privately or publicly, it doesn’t matter. The story wants to be brought into physical form, to be acknowledged, to be felt, to be understood and healed depending on the context. It may be your back story, your mental state, the way you realised dancing in the garden at a certain hour uplifts your mood etc. Your story is a feeling that wants your attention. It wants to accompany the exhale that comes with expressing what is on your chest after holding it in for so long. There is a longing for stories to be told, it could be through text or music, through dance or film, or even through baking or carpentry. Your means of expressing are limitless and formless.

The Act of Self-Expressing

Maybe you find it difficult to express. Maybe you find difficulty in sitting with your feelings. These are reasons why we talk about ‘channelling’ certain feelings into productive action.

The simplest way to begin personally is by journaling. Writing down your thoughts gets your creativity flowing, you attract the words your body is trying to tell you, and you begin to get into the flow. This opens up a well inside you, giving room for inspiration.

It is inspiration that leads you to find the appropriate medium for your self-expression. Inspiration comes from within and is something you listen to to know where to go and what to do, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

With self-expression, it is important to know your boundaries, meaning knowing how much you share and what you keep to yourself. There needs to be a line somewhere to preserve dignity and integrity. This is where refining listening to yourself comes in. There are some stories not meant to be shared with everyone.

It is with boundaries that you will learn how to train your tongue and that is always a fun exercise.

Allow yourself to feel and look silly. Don’t expect to get it right immediately. Think of it as learning how to ride a bike, you keep trying until you get a hang of it and can ride freely through the street. We can learn to breathe through our uncomfortable feelings around humiliation when we start something new.

Don’t expect to be perfect immediately!

When it comes to expressing yourself, the feedback you receive may be a polar reaction.

Negative Feedback

1. Certain loved ones feel uncomfortable with this ‘new’ you.
   This may be shock at your ability to change as well as the lack of awareness that change is constant. Ideally, a community should hold space for others to change and embrace even more of who they are. It is our inability to hold space for others that leaves them either afraid to open up and express themselves further or it leads to estranged relationships where they confidently search for a community that accepts them.

Our inability to hold space for the expansion of others in our community is due to our inability to hold space for the expansion of ourselves individually.

2. You intimidate others and your expression is resisted.

Naturally, your newfound openness and expression of self will ruffle a few feathers. Pay no mind to the best of your ability. Refusing to engage in passive aggression and such, goes a long way, as it does nothing to take it personally. When you focus more on yourself and your journey, your inability to take things personally increases.

3. You get people talking, which triggers your sensitivity.

Of course, grasping your sense of self and expressing it freely will get people going. It is a shock to see someone do something confidently that they have only imagined in private. The need to be accepted in our environment may subtly push against our sense of Self, causing us to conform and contort to belong in the place we call ‘home’. As a result, the ones who choose to do things differently will cause an uproar among households, as it is natural for communities to gossip. Think of it as a favour, they are making an effort to inform and broadcast the ‘new’ you. The people around you should be aware of your new changes so you can do your best to avoid points 1 and 2. When people are informed, they know what to expect and it saves you a lot of time explaining, although the cheeky ones may do their best to bait or engage you in conversation about it. You can politely excuse yourself from the conversation.

4. You attract attention

Attention can come in different ways; positively and somewhat negatively. It may procure a fear towards people’s increased interest towards you. When you express yourself and it resonates with people, naturally they will be drawn to you and want to get to know you how they can. Fear may show up due to weak boundaries that are unable to filter out people with ulterior motives and make room for the ones with good intentions. You are to understand that self-expression is a form of expressing your inner light, this causes people and energies of different forms to be drawn to you. This is why exercising boundaries and having discernment is important.

5. There may be strong resistance towards you

Pushback, maybe a result of your expression triggering those around you, they may be loved ones or strangers. The reason they are triggered is that, on a subconscious level, a limiting belief of theirs that may be around self-expression is fired up. When we are triggered, the first thing that occurs is our nervous system shifting into fight or flight. As a result, the response people may have towards you may fall under those categories. How you deal with it is up to you but some recommendations would be; to not give any of it a reaction and to stand your ground where appropriate.

Positive Feedback

1. You are applauded for embracing your identity
   Those who have been subjected to repression find celebration in a kindred spirit finding their voice and expressing themselves. You are met with encouragement, support and acceptance from certain groups of people. You find it is the response you’ve been seeking for most of your life.

2. You attract your tribe

When you show up authentically through self-expression, you become more attractive, drawing attention towards yourself. This makes you stand out towards like minds and hearts and may lead you to find your tribe. Members of your tribe are people who are similar to you, they feel like kindred souls who are here to support you on your life journey. You will be so happy you found them.

3. You feel a sense of fulfilment and achievement

4. You discover your purpose

5. You get to know yourself on a deeper level

6. You become more confident

7. Higher sense of worth

From the points stated above it is clear there are more positives to your self-expression than the negatives. When you express freely, you remain receptive to higher thoughts and feelings that act as a guide towards a greater purpose. The release and the relaxation from expressing your truth builds you up internally, increasing feelings of self-worth. When you know who you are and what you bring to the table, the quality of your life improves in different avenues.

A reason we may feel the need to heed the negative feedback we receive is due to codependency — wanting to be accepted by others or needing the approval of others to survive. The downside to codependency is that you have to shut down aspects of your identity to be accepted. This is never feasible in the long run.

When we take the leap of faith required to express ourselves and be authentic in the way we show up, what accompanies us is a deeper sense of self due to the release of our unique essence into the world. There is a natural cage we may entrap our creative, fun, expressive self into to survive but by taking the leap of faith toward authentic self-expression, we embrace the desire to thrive instead.

To infinity and beyond.