How Relationships Can Be Our Mirrors: Part I

How do you feel being told that each relationship you have may be a mirror in some way?

The subject of relating and relationships has become more of an interesting phenomenon to study as understanding of it increases. A concept in the study of relationships is that each person we are in a relationship with is a mirror of ours in some way. Mirroring is the reason why we may be triggered around certain people, and attracted to others. It highlights when we receive projections or project on others too. We are all a reflection of each other, through contrast or similarity.

Attraction

There are certain people we are naturally attracted to. It may be as a result of their character, the talents they express or anything else etc.

When we are drawn to a certain person(s), it may be due to two cases:

1. They possess certain traits that pique our curiosity

At times, we may be drawn to certain traits in people due to curiosity and may have a desire to be around them to experience that attribute more. This has its positive and negative impacts.

Certain persons may be drawn to another due to wanting to learn to express that side of them, while others may have the same desire with the intention of erasing the thing that attracted the person to them in the first place. It may seem an innocent thought to be attracted to someone’s sense of expression and want to experience them to learn how to do the same. In practicality, when approaching a possible relationship dynamic to obtain something for yourself, it mostly does not bode well. This is because the intention may be what leads your actions when building a relationship, making you appear untrustworthy, especially when you are focused on what to gain. Without being explicitly told what an innocent form of this looks like, one can only claim innocence when their focus is on getting to know another for who they are, not what they can do for you, and your actions reflect that.

In relating and relationships, it is best to have a level of awareness of the polar ways someone’s attraction to us may manifest.

2. They embody a persona we find difficult to express, as it lies lodged beneath personal struggles

This limitation could present itself as blocks within the subconscious, therefore standing as an obstacle between your false persona and your authentic one. It is by unlearning limiting thought patterns, confidence-building, therapy etc, that you can become this person.

One thing you should know is, that a bold person exists within you, and your admiration of it in another is confirmation of it in yourself. Befriending women you admire with pure intentions can assist in your increase in confidence when affirming that their qualities are also ones you possess. It is the consistent interaction that begins the gradual realization that these women are just like you, hence why the friendship was created in the first place. It will turn out that if you have already been on the authentic path of expression, the people you are attracted to and feel a connection towards will have a higher chance of feeling the same towards you as well. The reason is due to them recognizing themselves in the authentic reflection of themselves.

Reflection in Relationships

Example 1: When reflecting on the beginnings of friendships with certain women in my life, I first remember an attraction to them for a reason I could state. It was a glow, an affirmation of comfort, despite not knowing the details of their life yet. These details gradually came to light as the relationship progressed, mirroring a similar life journey and wisdom gained.

Attraction is based on resonance, how you feel about a person. Reflection occurs as the relationship progresses. It is a mirror image of the beautiful traits you possess being highlighted because you stand in front of a good friend. It is seeing your strengths through the strength in your friend’s reflection. This is how we can see ourselves better, in the reflection of our relationships.

The English proverb ‘Birds of a feather flock together’, implies that people of the same character, personality, interests etc, tend to find themselves in close community.

If you are a person who admires the people in your close circle, chances are you possess the same admirable traits as well. There is also a higher chance of your close circle confirming that about your character. The reflections you see, are also visible to them if they are willing to see it. This is how you will know a relationship is reciprocal; through the joint acknowledgment of your mirror images.

Romantic Relationships

We are attracted to a potential partner firstly through physical attraction, and when developed can lead to an emotional attraction. What can attract us emotionally to a person may be shared values, interests, backgrounds etc. This feels as though you are reflecting each other as you have shared things in common.

In psychology, it is stated that we are attracted to people that reflect our nervous system. If your upbringing was filled with emotional neglect by your caretakers in an unstable environment, you will be attracted to partners that reflect that emotional unavailability and instability. The reason this occurs is due to our subconscious wants to rewrite this past story with a better outcome but fails each time. The way to utilize this mirroring is to look inward to see that you are emotionally unavailable as well. With methods such as rewriting your subconscious programming by forming new habits and ways of thinking, regulating your nervous system, talk therapy etc, you can free yourself from such a cycle. This is why reflections are useful; they give us the ability to see ourselves and adjust what needs tending to, by healing emotional wounding.

A problem with reflections is the inability to turn within, therefore making the other person difficulty. This point of view is not productive, as it expresses our need to control our outer environment to feel safe.

Our response is the only thing we have control of.

When we are raised in a loving and emotionally secure environment, we form a secure attachment to ourselves. Therefore, it is more likely that with our emotional background, we attract partners that reflect our secure nervous system and are repelled by insecure and emotionally available people. This is because, in early emotional environments, we were taught to value ourselves, self-autonomy, healthy attachment and independence and may have been given the avenue to freely express ourselves. As a result, in our adult relationships, we value ourselves enough to have high standards, to express boundaries and be in a secure attachment to our partner. Our partner will also reflect the emotional availability we possess as a confirmation of what we are used to.

Repulsion

The act of repulsion from observing another may express itself in some ways:

1. The presence of a person makes you feel insecure.
2. The behaviour/personality of a person repels you
3. Someone exhibited similar personality ‘flaws’ as you and you are repelled by it

Case 1: You perceive someone expressing certain qualities you wish you had, and you experience a negative response because:

a) “How dare this person express these qualities that I find so hard to express? How dare they possess such resources that I struggle to have? How come they are in a romantic relationship when that hasn’t come easy for me? How dare they have the confidence to be their authentic self when I wasn’t given the opportunity to?”

b) You may lack a sense of security in Self, and as a result of your insecurity, you search for something to dislike in the person you are perceiving to give a sense of self-assurance.

Case 2: You are repelled because the person you are observing is not your cup of tea. That is perfectly acceptable, as long as one does not try to make them feel bad about it. It is much healthier to let people be themselves while you avert your gaze because we all have a right to show up how we want to in this world. Other times people may express qualities you do not like and that repulsed feeling is a confirmation of who you are not as a person.

Case 3: Most times, you do not see the negative aspects of yourself until someone reflects it. Then you are taken by surprise because:

a) You are confronted with a clear reflection of you

b) You are pushed to self-reflect as you become aware of how that behaviour is perceived by others when you are the one expressing it — Seeing yourself through the eyes of others.

Projection

When speaking on mirroring in relationships, one cannot forget to address projections.

Psychology Today defines projection as “an unconscious discomfort that can lead people to attribute unacceptable feelings or ideas to someone else, allowing the difficult trait to be addressed without the individual fully recognizing it in themselves.”

The definition sums the concept up perfectly, and now it will be applied to the example below.

Example 2: In a trending video on Twitter last week, an elderly woman harasses two teenage girls on their clothing options as they head to a market in a particular state in Nigeria. The elderly woman is disrespectful with the way she raises her voice, humiliating the young girls and accusing them of tempting the opposite sex, all because they were wearing shorts and long tees.

With this example, you can see that this unfair exchange came about from a thought within the woman about how indecent the dressing of the girls was. This same thought may have been triggered by her upbringing, at a time when modesty may have been harshly enforced on young Nigerian women of her time and how they were subjected to shame for doing the opposite. Said woman may have experienced her shaming from other elderly women as a teenager and that same shameful thought may have arisen when she saw the young girls dressed as such.

Her outburst isn’t towards the girls, it is towards the uncomfortable feeling within her that was triggered as a result of the image she witnessed. She is addressing the parts of her that were shamed by perpetuating the shaming cycle onto these young girls. The young girls are at no fault for anything but for being unfortunate to come across her when they did. There are still various things to unpack about this video which may be done in a different article.

This is how projection works, through the transference of discomfort to another, in order to avoid feeling discomfort within.

As a highly sensitive person, you will be more sensitive to projections from others than the average person. However, highly sensitive or not, self-assertion must be practised when faced with projections.

Ways in which you can deflect projections are:

1. Telling your truth when confronted with verbal accusations — This breaks through their delusions and may cause some to reflect on their actions.
2. Standing your ground and speaking up for yourself — This frightens the meek and prevents you from internalising their projections.
3. Walking away — Not all battles are worth fighting.
4. Establishing boundaries by addressing the issue or reducing contact with said person — Your comfort will always be more important.
   These points may be effective when in conflict with opposition in different life environments.

After reading and digesting this information, I urge you to go out into the world with fresh eyes and observe the relationships you have with people.

You may just begin to see what you needed to all along.