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May 13

From Conflict 2 Connection - Breaking the Abuse Cycle

Are you familiar with what abuse looks like? The conflict that Judgment, Criticism, Blame and Shame – the silencing components of abuse, the powerlessness, trauma, and depression they create?

The impact in society is insidious and damaging – we see it in homes, workplaces, schools, and organisations, and continues today from those who continue to strip people of their power, of their humanity.

Unfortunately, women, (as well as men) have been the co-operative components in keeping this cycle alive – every person who has remained silent, protecting the perpetrators at the cost of the mental, physical, and emotional well-being and often lives of their children and themselves.

As humans we are repulsed to even consider that there live amongst us, people who have no regard for another, no respect for themselves or others; it shocks us to see or hear of the pain, and horrors that mankind has committed, and that has become normalised. So many have no idea what they witness and what they experience IS abuse, is violation and the pain is such that they turn a blind eye and would rather not see it or hear it.

To educate, we need to understand what keeps conflict and abuse alive and what it creates, that we can heal and restore connection from conflict. You may have experienced the terror that judgment, criticism, blame and shame as you grew up and are possibly still experiencing this today.

There are many creators …. parents, family, teachers, co-workers, bosses, or peers – people who make you feel… • you do not matter, • you are not good enough, • you are a waste of space or time • or harming you physically, mentally, emotionally or through neglect

These contribute to and create conflict, BUT what keeps the conflict alive inside us, and our society is our own personal daily use…. • of put-downs and criticism of ourselves and others when we perceive we have said or done something wrong or not good enough • of constantly comparing ourselves • of regurgitating events - what we should have, could have, might have, said or done • of pity parties we attend in our head • of stories we keep telling ourselves and whoever will listen • either remaining silent OR inconsideration of others when we do speak up • of constant blaming and shaming of others in their mistakes (being human) without supporting them to get help and to change.

Everywhere, for those who feed on the media, in society hatred for others is promoted and encouraged, separation is enforced, fear is fed, and powerlessness, depression, health issues, are rife, in minds, in bodies we continue the conflict and move further from connection.

We see time and again, shame and victimisation which perpetuates the cycle of conflict and abuse – destroying connection. There seems to be an inherent need to persecute, judge, criticise blame or shame instead of empowering through education.

Is there a solution, can we eradicate this conflict and abuse? I believe so.

We only know what we have been taught and so many are uneducated, we are uneducated – we have NOT been shown another way, we have not been informed that what we have been witnessing is not normal, that it is not acceptable. There IS another way.

While most people look outside of themselves for solutions to their challenges and traumas, the answer IS inside us– self-respect, self-acceptance, self-appreciation, which creates respect, acceptance and appreciation of others and helps us all feel connected and through feeling connected we can collaborate, co-create and have deeper compassion for ourselves and others – this is when healing, in us and others, can begin.

There becomes no need to keep persecuting ourselves or others, there is a deep appreciation that there are so many different versions of truth, and only one is true and as humans we will never see that – for we only see through our own perspective and experience.

We are all human + all make mistakes, yet often are so quick to persecute others without consideration or any effort to mend the trauma behind those.

Now IMAGINE, if each person became more aware of how their thoughts, words and actions make them feel? – do they feel connected, safe, respected, accepted, and appreciated OR judged, fearful, and powerless?

AND if each person became aware of the effect of their actions are on others – just imagine. We would be far less judgmental and critical of ourselves and others, less quick to blame or shame ourselves or others.

Because we want connection, to feel safe, respected, accepted and appreciated, and it makes us feel so good, we would choose more and more to quit the judgment, blame and criticism then we would realise the cycle of conflict and abuse CAN be broken.

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Emma Gardner
May 13, 2021

Thank you so much!

Erena Oliver
May 12, 2021

Thank you so much for your supportive and encouraging words and for your question. Sometimes where there is narcissistic patterns very little, if anything can be achieved apart from getting out…however I DO believe in miracles and hope was the only thing that drove me to at least try in my own relationship. What I understand from my journey is that at least if the relationship cannot be transformed, then at least I can be and that I will not make the same choices I have made that attracts others to abuse me. So YES I do believe she could understand what is happening and then choose what she wants to do about it. However how this impacts her husband is unseen. We cannot change another, we can only change ourselves, AND if the other wants to hang around then that is a bonus as he will have made some changes too…If he is not willing to embrace our changes then he will ship out. I hope this helps.

Emma Gardner
May 12, 2021

Wow, that article is absolutely lit and helpful! I think you are a great professional so I need your advice. Here is the thing, my friend is well aware of conflicts and abuse, she never hurts anyone and always cares about the feelings of other people. Therefore, she became an easy target for her abusive husband. They have huge problems because of his behavior, manipulations and accusations. She understands what is happening, but she cannot fix anything herself, since her husband does not want to hear anything about the fact that something can be wrong with him. He immediately becomes angry and does not allow even the possibility of ordinary conversation. It really hurts me to see how he treats her. Do you think the consultation will help her understand how to behave and get her husband to talk? Will it help her to understand what to say? Is it possible in the future to gradually force him to go for a consultation together? And is it possible in principle to fix it or is it a lost battle beforehand?

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