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Beautifully Broken

May 22, 2024
Kat Rentmeister
Core Spirit member since Jan 12, 2023
Reading time 17 min.

My life. My Trauma. My story. How my healing started with Natural Plant Medicine.

By Kat Rentmeister

Teenage sexual trauma was something that I didn’t know I had until years later. My nightmare started at the age of fourteen, which was my first horrific experience having sex, but was not my last.

My curiosity about sex started earlier than that. From the time I discovered dial-up internet I began sneaking away to have sex chats online as early as the 7th grade, the year of Oakcrest Mormon girl’s camp, where I met a girl who was the bad girl type. She was tall, thin, had red hair and wore dark makeup. We bunked together in a small cabin with five other girls. I told her that I liked her collection of rock music CDs, which was the conversation starter on the first day of camp. She also really liked to talk about sex. The way she talked about sex made me curious. She specifically talked about how she would get aroused when she saw acts of sex in movies and watched porn on the computer. She talked about it every day during our trip. During our time together, I also got this rush of adrenaline when I was with her. We got into some trouble for toilet papering the other cabins, lighting firecrackers, and we stole money from another girl’s bag. I knew it was wrong, but it was a thrill that caught my attention. After camp ended, we lived in different cities, and lost touch. In a way I wanted to be her, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the images of sexual acts she described to me. So that is how my curiosity about sex started, and when I started masturbating while talking about sex in chat rooms online.

A couple years later and going into my freshman 9th grade year I was looking forward to having my first sexual experience, but what happened was a nightmare, not the fantasy I’d imagined.

Some girlfriends and I met up with boys from school out on a football field. They brought some alcohol, and I had a few shots of vodka that night. I noticed a cute boy was looking at me. He was good looking and popular. He started kissing me, and I knew I was going to have sex. When it happened, he aggressively penetrated me. I whispered, Ouch,” hoping he would stop, but I didn’t fight it. I didn’t know what to do. So, I looked up at the stars, hoping that it would end soon.

Once he was done, the boys left us alone on the field. My friends and I walked home, nearly (or more than) 2 miles, the 3am crickets chirping. I remember the pain and pushing through each step I took. It was the longest two miles, and once that sun peeked over the horizon, I was home.
After that horrific 1st sexual experience for me, the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th boy I had sex with were all the same. They would have hard sex with me and leave each time repeatedly. No feelings or emotions were attached. I thought that was love. I started to truly believe that I was nothing but a sex object. A slut, a whore, the girl that will for sure give it up. I was the one that prepped young boys for the college years. After having sex throughout my freshman and sophomore year, these schoolboys were not good enough. That was what I thought in my own head. After having sex throughout my freshman and sophomore year, these schoolboys were not good enough when it came to sex.

In my teenage years, and even in my early twenties if I did have something going good in my life, any feelings of happiness, the good kind of love, I always had to find a way to mess it up. With harsh words, and no empathy for anyone, I made sure to push away those who loved me. I was highly attracted to dangerous guys. The kind you don’t bring home to your mother.

I started to become more attracted to older men for better pleasures. Older men had more experiences and were open to trying new sex acts. I had many sexual partners during my high school years, until I met him. At the age of seventeen I was in summer school class due to failing my junior year from parting, drinking, and sluffing. During that class, I met a boy. It was an instant attraction. He had this darkness to him, and I was highly addicted. I was submissive to him only.

My dark prince. The man I obsessed over, the one who showed me a world of darkness. We had a toxic relationship, and I was on and off with him for four years. I was in his dark and criminal world. Even when I wanted to get away, and I did at times, he always found a way to find me, and lure me back in. He had full control of me. He was manipulative, bipolar, and he could not control his anger. He was a drug dealer, a gun dealer, a thief, and he would always go out of his way to fight people. This was the world I created for myself. I was also falling into his habits. I had to go to court for an assault charge at the age of 18 for beating up a girl at a hardcore metal concert. I also went to jail for stealing at age 19. I got mad at my brother one day and threw a steak knife at him, and I don’t remember why. I was called the stiletto slasher, harsh bitch, psycho, and I didn’t care.

During the four years of this toxic life, I started to realize that during my off times with what I thought would be my ride or die, I was happy. When we were apart, the people I met were beautiful - fun, positive, good, genuine people. I built new friendships and had amazing, fun experiences. I was happy, but it didn’t matter how happy I was, I had to have the darkness. So, I always went back to him. I was brainwashed and sucked into his cult. I didn’t realize this until after he was locked up. I knew at that moment in time this was a start to a new life.

This man was charged for robbery and assault in 2008. I was so heartbroken knowing that he was going to be behind bars for a while, but I was still obsessed with him. I was sending him money. I would visit him every Sunday looking in through a glass window feeling the coldness of the concrete walls for a while. After being physically and sexually apart from him, he began to be dull for me. This was when I was able to start seeing how toxic our relationship really was. He started to fade each day, and I was able to fully break free. I knew at that moment in time this was a start to a new and happy life.

***So, I thought. ***

A new nightmare. The worst kind. This is when the rape happened.

A couple months after my boyfriend got locked up, the leaves started to change colors of burnt orange, and red. I was still surrounding myself with this toxic world I created for myself. I was so deep into it, that it was a normal life for me. A routine. This is when the rape happened. It terrifies me to the point that I still can’t talk about it, especially to my family. It’s easier to talk to strangers.

I was staying at a friend’s house. This awkward guy came over various times to hang out with the group. He was strange and would randomly show up. He came over one day, and we were alone together. We started a conversation, but it escalated because we didn’t see eye to eye, so we started to argue with each other. I remember him being so full of anger and rage over nothing. I still replay the conversation in my head, and I can’t count how many times I wish I would have given into the conversation and tell him he was right. I always had to be Little Miss Right all the time. Especially at that time. He didn’t like my sassy attitude and told me that I was wrong. He grabbed me and pinned me down on the floor. He put his entire body weight over me, and he pushed his elbow and forearm on my spine so hard that when I tried to move my torso upwards, I was in pain. He was so enraged that I got the sense that if I was to fight him off me, he would hurt me more. I knew at that moment I was trapped, so when he pulled my sweatpants down, I knew what he was about to do.

When the horrific act of rape happened to me, I remember giving up, and allowing my mind to go someplace else. Like a fog…. I can only remember small parts of it. It’s like I blacked out, but I didn’t black out. My mind came back to reality, and I was naked on the bathroom floor with the light off. He was long gone, and I didn’t really know exactly what happened. My body was in shock. My friends at the time found me scared and crying, begging me to tell them what had happened. I remember holding them so tightly. It was the comfort of familiar faces. They had to peel me off them.

After they figured out what happened, they helped me during this nightmare, but we were still so young, and didn’t know what to do. We were still involved with people who dealt drugs, so we knew reporting to the police officers was not going to be an option. I had to just “Get over it!” or so I was told. So that’s what I focused on doing, but it wasn’t that easy. It made things worse for me. I started to become a monster. I started to experience high anxiety, depression, I lost jobs, I lost friendships, I mistreated my own family. I would scream and yell at random strangers at public places.

Once, I was at a café and was disrupted by a child who was screaming and out of control. I went straight up to the mother of that child and told her to tell her kid to shut up, I’ m trying to eat my food in peace. The lady started crying and told me she was doing her best and her child is autistic and is having an episode. I responded back and told her that I don’t care if her kid has autism and to still tell him to shut up, or I will. This was the person I was at the time. This was the version of myself I hated so badly.

I was extremely abusive to men after this horrific experience. I wanted to be the player, not the played. I enjoyed degrading men. I loved targeting men who were confident in themselves, shallow men who charmed the ladies at the bar just so they could get some ass and leave. I was a regular at a few bars I went to several times during the week and noticed these men. Studied these men. I wanted to play them at their own game. I was hungry for the challenge. Once I found my target, I would play hard to get, but flirted enough to still catch their attention. A lot of the time, I never really had to talk to catch a man’s attention at the bars. My body language and gray eyes did all the work. Once I had them on my leash, I was extremely patient and would tease them. I took the time each week to have more conversations with them, still being very mysterious. I knew I was a challenge for them as well. I was a manipulator, and they didn’t even know it. Once they realized that I was different from the other ladies, that is when they wanted to take me out on dates. It was those moments when I knew I had them, because these men only enjoyed hook ups.

I also wasn’t shy when it came sex. During these dates I had with the multiple guys I was playing, I always made the effort to ask them what they liked when it came to sex. I listened, and I made sure that I gave them those sexual desires, because I believed the women they hooked up with were weak. They had insecurities, no confidence, and were not ones who communicated or felt comfortable enough to talk about desires and pleasures. They were the type that watched way too many romantic comedies with happy endings and expected those hook ups to be a romantic movie in the end with marriage and children in the future. The men I played started to fall in love with me, and once they did, I would make sure to hurt them. Once, I played two guys and successfully got both to fall in love with me. I then got bored and had to end it. I told them both to meet me at the bar and made out with one of them, while the other watched. I made sure to look over. I watched his heart break at that moment. They both caught on that they had been played. With me being emotionally unavailable at that moment and showing no feelings, they both knew I was a cold-hearted bitch. I remember my brother who I went to the bars with a lot and knew how I treated men told me that one of the guys I played came to him heartbroken, cried and expressed how they loved me. He said several men he knew told him how I broke them. He always made sure to warn men about me whenever they told him they wanted to date me. He would laugh and say to them “Good luck man. She’s mean as hell.” Deep inside I was satisfied, because I played them and that was the goal of the game. It was so easy for me to leave them and move on to the next guy. It gave me a sense of power. After I started therapy, and telling my psychologist about these past events, I learned that this type of behavior was a defense mechanism to cover up my past trauma with men. To not allow them to hurt me first. I did however stop this behavior, but it took a special loving man to help guide me. That is when things started to change.

In 2009 I met someone who was kind and genuine. A loving and humble person. Compassionate and charismatic. He showed me a world of beauty and opened my mind to seeing the beauty, kindness, and love in people.

Now at age twenty-two, because of this one person in my life who showed me light at the end of this dark place I had been living in for so long, it was the mountain life he showed me. There was a calmness to him. Being with him brought me this peaceful feeling and gave me the courage to leave that toxic life. I started to explore my life in nature in a small cabin with him and a dog. We started out as just friends, but I trusted him, and I felt safe. Some might say this is falling in love, but I was rising from love with this man. I told myself countless times that I could never have that kind of love. The love you see in romance movies. There’s no darkness, it’s just sweet. I knew that would never be enough for me before I met him.

After a year of living this mountain lifestyle, hiking, fishing, splitting wood, making new friends, snowboarding and ski biking it was this life journey path I took that brought a sense of calmness and peace to my life. I still battled with my trauma. At this time, I was twenty-three years old, and that is when I decided I wanted to heal myself fully. I didn’t know what was happening to me. For so long I felt like I was losing my mind.
I talked to a professional and learned more about trauma. I was diagnosed with hypersexuality, wounded rejection, and wounded insecurities. The professionals told me that this is something I can’t just get over. For example: Think about someone who gets in an accident and ends up breaking both legs. You would never tell that person to “get over it!” and expect them to just walk. For years, I would also experience extreme physical pain when I had sex. Even with partners that were healthy for me. I went to my gyno who said I was normal and to use lube. I felt so helpless. When I talked to the professionals, I learned from them that this is my brain reacting to my traumatic sexual events. I was experiencing triggers. So, I knew what was wrong with me, but I was still so terrified to talk about it to my partners. When it did hurt, I would just change the sex position I was in, or just stop having sex completely, and tell my partner that I was just not in the mood. I did not notice how badly being hypersexual was taking over my life in a very unhealthy way. My relationship with my family suffered due to my reckless behavior. I was only emotionally attracted to toxic relationships with men, and the disconnect I had with myself was devastating. I still battled with my trauma even after talking to a professional and that is when I decided I wanted to heal myself fully. I didn’t know what was happening to me. For so long I felt like I was losing my mind at times. Then I started to learn about a different kind of healing. Healing with natural plant medicine.

Nature Plant Medicine Healing Journey Plant medicine and psychedelic healing has been and still is a practice in the native cultures for many years in history, For example, the Mayan cultures using psychedelic psilocybin mushrooms dates to 1500 BCE. When I surrounded myself with the outdoors and a nature-oriented lifestyle I had a better understanding on how nature self-repairs when damaged. It all made sense when I started learning more about mushrooms. My boyfriend at the time had demons he was battling with, and I learned from him how it helped him heal. Beyond psychedelics like psilocybin, which have important uses, other fungi species are good for your body and mind, such as lions’ mane for focus and memory, or turkey tail mushrooms for immune support.
At this point, I wanted to do anything to help myself heal. I started my healing journey with psilocybin mushrooms in small doses at first. With a community of the native culture to help guide me, I was able to look deeper into my hallucinogenic experience. This allowed me to reach the parts of my memory and past life experiences. It was like a roadmap of my life. I learned about my inner subconsciousness. This provided guidance for me to recover my soul. I started doing other hallucinogens like mescaline molecule from the San Pedro Cacti plant. This allowed me to go deeper into my soul, and really allow myself to heal. It was at this moment in time that I knew I was a different person. I came out of this healing process and re-birthed my inner self.

What I learned from my hallucinogenic journey was that everything needs to be felt within the soul. We think we can run from our emotions, like anger, grief, or jealously, we try to shove these feelings down and pretend they don’t exist, but no matter how much we hide parts of ourselves, they insist upon being seen, and come out in wild ways. Then we feel crazy. Plants like San Pedro Cacti, or Psilocybin mushrooms is a beautiful invitation and gives you the space and guides you willingly or unwillingly to feel everything that hasn’t been felt. This was my experience on the journey. It was at this moment in time that I knew I was a different person. I was willing to completely give up to any form that I have been, so that I could re birth the woman that I was becoming. I had to change a part of my identity for me to heal my wounds. I learned that the reason a lot of people won’t become who they want is because they are too attached to who they’ve been.

Despite the professional help as I got older, medical professionals and counselors failed to suggest that I could have “hypersexuality” as a response to my sexual trauma. However, I became so convinced that I had hypersexuality, that my whole personality started to revolve around it. To an extent, it still does. However, other people saw my recklessness towards sex as part of my personality, part of who I was. Throughout my early twenties all my friends commented on how sex-focused I was, how all my jokes were dirty. They even kept tabs on the calendar of which sex love interest I had that month, how long it would last, and how many I had. On the surface, this may seem harmless, and on their part, it may have been intended in this way. However, for me, my hypersexuality defined my worth, which served to dissociate from my identity. I saw myself as an object. I was only good for one thing, which meant that anything beyond that wasn’t meant for me. This all made so much sense when I realized it during my healing journey at the age of twenty-three.

Trauma shrinks a part of the brain called Hippocampus by eight percent. This part of the brain is the center of emotion, memory, and autonomic nervous system. That eight percent of memory loss is gone. It constitutes sections of my life that I can’t remember. So, when I learned this, that is when I realized it wasn’t just the rape that happened to me in 2008 that was the trauma, it was the trauma I experienced when I was only fourteen years old. My entire youth was plagued by sexual trauma. To this day, high school, and other key events in my life, remain a blur.

I was willing to completely give up to any form that I have been, so that I could re birth the woman that I was becoming. I learned that the reason a lot of people won’t become who they want is because they are too attached to who they’ve been. My first name is Kathy, but I go by Kat. Kathy was a version of myself I hated so badly. I knew it wasn’t working for me any longer, and I had to change a part of my identity for me to heal my wounds.

Once I learned that Kathy was a version of myself, I disliked so much, and Kat was the person I wanted to be for myself, I changed…and I changed.

I first focused on my mindset. If anyone brought me toxicity in my life, it didn’t matter if they were family, friends, coworkers, or strangers. My practice was kindness and love. I started to make meditation, yoga, and hypnotherapy a routine, and anytime I felt this darkness come over me, I was able to pinpoint it right away. I started to value myself. I knew I was a good person, and regardless of what situation I was in I always picked kindness and stayed true to my center. This brought peace to my soul.

I decided to be the energy I wanted to attract. This energy attracted the environment of individuals I wanted for my life including healthier relationships with men, men who were compassionate, humble, and genuine. I knew after I experienced a healthy relationship, I knew I could never go backwards. Always forward.

Being sexy is a mindset. It’s an energy and vibe people can feel, not see.

I practiced this mindset for years, and still to this day. My healing journey also made me realize that my sexuality is not here to prove how evolved I am as a person. It’s an intimate relationship with my body. I realized that I do not need outside people telling me that it doesn’t measure up to their standards. One of the biggest gifts I gave myself was to focus more on appreciating myself as I am, not comparing myself to what others want me to be. That’s just as true for sexual responses as for physical appearances. I started to take control of my own body and desires, and not allowing men to overpower me. I set boundaries for myself when it comes to my relationships. Communication with a partner is also extremely important to me when it comes to my body. Building trust and safety was the core practice for me. It is challenging at times when someone has hypersexuality disorder, but with ways to help manage the urges, I found my peace with it. I found out ways to let go of my insecurities and find ways of experiencing pleasure without a partner. Sensual dance and pole dance have become important practices in my life. This is a way to express myself and is healing for me.

My life today.

I am healthier mentally and physically. I have a beautiful six-year-old daughter, a loving ex-husband, and father. We had differences which ended the marriage, but he was a huge part of my life. Regardless of what happened, I will always choose kindness and love, and only focus on the positive side of our marriage. This mindset created a healthy relationship between the both of us. We get along, and understand each other, which makes it easier to co-parent.

Throughout my journey and my spiritual awakening, I am not hypersexual. That was just the term the professionals gave me. After doing the inner work, I have learned that I was suppressing my deep emotions of not valuing my own self, as well as not loving myself. The past was keeping me at a low vibration. I was feeling a void within me to feel validated and love through sex. It was my addiction to feel something. My true authentic self feels more at peace now, and I consider myself demisexual. I look at my body as this vessel. What an honor.... I treat it with kindness and love. Sex is an energy exchange. I protect it. It is sacred and I stay true to my center. I am magnetized for me, and I only allow the right energy into my sacred space.

I am a pole dancer and dance instructor. My best gift of all is to show women and men how to express themselves through dance and guide them toward building body confidence. I have discovered so many talents and I find joy expressing my gifts to others.

After having these relationships, I made a pact with myself: I would never date somebody who did not meet my standards again. I would never even entertain the idea of dating somebody who was not kind and gentle and funny and who found me funny. Who would treat me as a person first, and a girlfriend second. Who didn’t see a relationship as a chore or a job, but as an honor and a joy. Somebody who would prioritize me and keep me in mind for the future. Somebody who was loyal and honest and direct about what they want and how they’re feeling and somebody that I could just have fun with.

When you tell your mind what’s important to you, it listens. There is extraordinary science that proves that your mind has a live and ever-changing filter, a live network that changes how it views the world, what it lets in and what it blocks out. If you program your mind correctly, and if you are clear about what you want to create, your mind will help you get what you want.

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