Earlier this year my health took a backseat to deadlines in my day job and a new slew of goals for my business.
My stress levels and caffeine consumption were at an all time high while the quality of my sleep, recovery and nutrition were at an all time low. (And if the fatigue and brain fog wasn’t enough proof of that - my Oura and Firstbeat scores most certainly were!) 🤦🏽♀️
I justified it by telling myself that I had too many people relying on me and believing in me to slow down. But the truth was I was sliding back into old patterns of wanting to prove my worth and be everything to everyone.
And also show some of the haters that I could do everything they had said I couldn’t.
Instead of giving myself the grace I constantly encourage my clients to give themselves when pursuing their goals, I was giving myself daily headaches, pushing myself to mind-numbing levels of pain and exhaustion which was leading to my experiencing one injury after another. (Still haven’t gotten over that last injury!) 😓
I was doing the very things past experience had taught me not to.
I had also started to fall into the trap of comparing myself to others and re-hashing old hurtful memories that highlighted what was going wrong instead of all the things that had been going right.
I even found myself starting to lose my usual positive outlook. 😳
I started to feel lost and confused, and even started to question if I was still on the right path. (Thank you to my coaches, mentors and friends that pulled me out of that part quickly!)
My abilities were questioned. 🚫
My commitment faltered. 🚫
My creativity started to suffer.🚫
My auto-immune issues started to worsen. 🚫
And my fear and uncertainty started to heighten.🚫
Emotions that should have been immediately released were suppressed and were starting to find their way out in unhealthy and unproductive ways.
I knew better than this. I am better than this. And yet I was still backsliding.
And then I realized why. ‼️
I had let myself get so caught up in doing all the things that I thought I should be doing that I had lost my connection with myself and the reason I was doing all of those things to begin with.
I had lost my inner knowing.
The one that had kept me on track and helped me make decisions that were aligned with the life I wanted to live. The one that made sure I nourished my spirit just as much as I did my mind and my body.
And without a well nourished spirit, it wasn’t long before I stopped nourishing my mind and body the way the deserved to be. Hence the exhaustion, the headaches, and the confusion.
(And none of this was during Mercury Retrograde - so for once I couldn't blame that.) 😝
Looking back on those moments I can easily see how I got there. I stopped taking time to reflect and be with myself. I made sure every moment of my day was “productive” so I could reach my goals more quickly and stopped giving my mind and my body the rest they needed to stay healthy, remain inspired and continue being creative.
All of this was extra ironic considering I teach my clients to do the exact opposite. I was talking the talk but had stopped walking the walk. It’s no surprise that every area of my life suffered as a result. My health. My business. Even my relationships.
And I didn’t reach any of my goals more quickly. All I really did was push them away by becoming so fixated on them that I ended up creating vibrational resistance to the very things I wanted most and ended up staying stuck exactly where I was. 😒
So I made some decisions.
This week I’m going to focus on one of the biggest decisions I made - to give myself more time (and permission) to do the things that make me feel alive and bring me more joy. 🙌
This week I will pour just as much into my own cup as I have been pouring into others. ❣️
This week I will celebrate the good, acknowledge the bad and welcome the best. (Which is, of course, yet to come.) ❣️
This week I will spend more time empowering my inner advocate and less time worrying about my inner critic. ❣️
This week I will remind myself to keep holding my vision in my head..and keep holding the love that originally inspired that vision in my heart. ❣️
This week I will let myself reconnect with myself so I can find out what she needs right now and how I can best give that to her. ❣️
This week, I will focus on being true to myself and doing whatever it is that feels best at that moment. ❣️
I’m going to be spending some time just living instead of posting all the time.
That way when I do start posting again I can give you the best of me - and not just what’s left of me. 🥰
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