Dear Agent of the Universe
It is hard to know where to start, as there is so much to tell. I know we have time, so much time, and I hope these letters will reveal to you who I am in all my manifestations. As well as the conditioning and reasoning behind my actions and what seem to others as my insanity. But before I begin my story, that has been defined and influenced by yoga, I should tell you, that meeting you knocked me off my yoga mat. In yoga and by the laws of the universe, which I shall get into at some point, there is no such thing as chance. Our reality is a direct reflection of our internal state, the energetic vibration we give off, and our karma that our consciousness has carried on from our past incarnations.
So I am not sure what meeting you is telling me about myself, but I am sure I shall find out in time. Because only in knowing each other, will we learn more about ourselves, because we are reflections of each other. Because everyone and everything that surrounds us and defines us in the material world, reflects who we are, the energy we are giving off and how much we really do or do not love ourselves. But go a little deeper and the relationships we have in this lifetime come into our lives to teach us something and give us an opportunity to break from negative past and present karmas.
Meeting you, the way we did, is something I am struggling to wrap my small sized head around right now. Because let´s be honest, what are the chances of me meeting a government agent from the United States, on a 16 by 32km desert island, in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, at the height of Covid. Well given my life and the degree at which I vibrate at, pretty good, but still, meeting you sits on the edge of crazy.
The day we met was the first time in nearly three years, that my friends and I had decided to go to that hotel for breakfast. That we sat beside you was no coincidence. Or that your presence made itself aware in my consciousness, so that I felt compelled to interrupt your team breakfast and ask you who you were and what were you doing on the island. An island where literally no one could come in or out, and yet there you were.
I must confess I did find it rather surprising that you took my number at the end of the interruption, as there was a large energetic wall around all of you, that screamed do not enter. That is one of the things about following and practising yoga in its entirety, you learn to read peoples energy, rather than their behaviours or actions. As the latter are often just subconscious habits, we engage in without really being aware of our behaviours or speech. So although your words said one thing, your energy told me otherwise.
I knew you were not tourists, and I knew you were not drug lords, money launders seemed out of the question and the fact that you were American and arrived on a private jet or literally were dropped out of the sky put you in the general category of government or aliens. It is amazing what you can learn about people, if you listen with awareness, rather than your senses.
Allow me to define awareness here, it is the process by which you are not only aware of the impact of your words and actions on yourself and on others, but also the platform through which we learn the true basis of our behaviour. Not on a shallow superficial level, but at a level so deep, that you need to wade through your entire history to understand the driving force behind your actions and words. And all this, can only be done, if you step back and become an observer of yourself, from a standpoint of objectivity and yes awareness.
I knew from the moment you took my number that you were not going to call me. As your wall, was like something out of Star Wars, a jedi energy that told me that you liked me, but you were off limits. I left that day feeling a little dizzy, very confused, and then decided you were gay and let it go.
As I began to bump into you and have brief conversations, I started to see glimpses of the human behind the badge. Because really, we all hide behind something, forever fearful of someone truly seeing us, our insecurities, vulnerabilities, etc and then judging or ridiculing us. You know what is funny about that? It is that our understanding of ourselves is so limited and constantly shifting that we don’t even truly know ourselves or want to know ourselves, and that is why we hide.
You held on to my number for five weeks and only used it, after leaving the country, only to tell me that you would like to get to know me. Why on earth did you do that? I have asked the universe that everyday since you left and still have received no clear answer. But as I have learnt, sometimes we do not get the answer until the journey has ended and we begin another one.
I have spent months being aware of my repeated history and the lessons I am only now understanding I need to learn if I no longer want my future to look like my past. I know I am tired off bouncing off the bottom in the men I choose, and if I don’t learn soon and shift my energy, the bottom will open up one day and swallow me up. On the surface you give me hope that I have finally learnt my lessons and that I am closer to that destination of true self love, of having true happiness that wells up from within, rather than being dictated by influences external to myself, and vibrating at a frequency that is so high that the signals I am sending out are resonating across the universe and bringing me back what I have asked the universe for.
Which is a love, where I have no expectations of myself, nor do I pass judgement, or am unkind or disrespectful to myself. A love where I forgive myself for the mistakes I make and a love that takes care of me mentally, emotionally, and physically. A waterfall of love that cascades not only over myself, but on those around me, strangers included. But also, a love that does not allow others to hurt or disrespect me or most of all take me for granted. To set boundaries and to remove anything negative that does not serve me well in my life. A love that understands, that to truly give love to others, I must first learn to give it to myself and feel it for myself. Yes I know, it would almost seem easier to take a couple of shots of tequila to feel this rather than do all the work I am about to set out in these letters.
I realise there is a chance you will read this and think this is nuts and walk away even before we have begun, and if you do, then I am already ahead of the game, as it means that by speaking my truth, I am no longer afraid of the outcome that comes from truly showing up in any and all interactions I have with all living things. But please know we have time. I am breaking a habit just by saying that and enacting it. My habit to dive into the deep end and embrace life as if I were on ecstasy, which has worked great life wise, but not so good relationship wise. Therefore with you, I am going to take the time, be patient, breathe, enjoy the journey and be present. Nothing more, nothing less.
And because I feel brave and courageous, and because I have done the work, I am going to do something I have never done before, I am going to tell you my story from a point of truth, without fear of judgement. I am going to lay my heart open. But I am going to do it from a point of pure love and try to not be attached to the outcome. Because the only way we can ever overcome suffering is from living life from a point of love, without attaching our sense of self to anything external to us and the love we give out. This may be my greatest test and I must be honest, I am terrified. Because although my story may write like the wild west insane adventure story, there is ugliness there, as there is in all our stories. I have done the work and have faced my truths, I have forgiven myself, and let go of the burdens I have held from my mistakes. But to show it to a stranger, that has come into my life, in such a bizarre way, is not easy. However, to not do it would be a great disservice to the connection I have felt to you, and to myself. Because by now I have learnt to trust the universe, because it has shown up exactly as I have been taught it would, over and over again. It has kicked my ass more times than I can count, it has pulled me to rock bottom, lifted me up to what felt like the moon, and then dropped me from great heights repeatedly. But each time, I have got up, let the bruises heal, and went back to school to learn from gurus, doctors, teachers, life, and books, to learn what enlightened ones have knowns for thousands and thousands of years. I have then put all that into practise every single day, until I reached here. A place of deep understanding of my place in the universe and how to live above the constant pendulum of emotions that move within us, to mediate my emotions so that I am not bounced from one end of the pole to the other, from good to bad, happy to sad, fear to courage. And to shift my energy to a higher frequency so that the beauty I give out, is reflected in the beauty that comes back to me every single day. How, you may ask have I done that? Well, that is for another letter. But before I go, because I must go and teach a yoga class to a group of people, who have saved me more times than I can remember, from drowning in the avalanche of changes Covid has bought to my life. Because of them, I have had to practise and study yoga in its entirety, because to teach it, without living it completely would be a lie. I wanted to end with this. I understand if you want to get off this boat, or anyone who is listening to these letters, before it has even left, but I will ask you take this ride with me. Because I am a gift, in every sense, and you may not realise it now, but taking this boat will change your life forever. In my next letter, I think I will explain what I mean by the Universe, as it will be a constant companion in this journey of ours into the unknown. Almost like a chaperone, which I can tell you I am in need off. A couple of years ago, I would have got on a plane without any thought of the consequences and flown to Washington. It is how I ended up on an desert island in the middle of nowhere. But alas I am learning to break bad habits, as habits keep us in the past and in fact put our brain out of business. But I really must go now. I have touched on so many things in this letter, all of which I will expand on, in time. Because it really is fascinating the forces that drive us to behave the way we do. When I explain it to you, you too will begin to see and engage in your life in a different way. I am not sure why, but my knowledge is a gift I want to share with you, because I feel you are open to hearing it and learning from it. Not everyone is ready to hear what I know, because the work that comes with it, is truly challenging, but the outcome is a life lived to its fullest potential. I don’t know who you are to me and expect it will be a while before it is revealed to either one of us. However, I do know that you were meant to be in my life right now, and this meeting will forever change our lives. The Enchanted Yogi
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