As we grow and develop along the spiritual path, we become aware of our egoic patterns.
We see them play out in our minds as thoughts or we act them out in behaviors. It can be quite a shock to realize, "Did I really just do that?!"
Perhaps we caught ourselves comparing our appearance to others and felt superior.
Maybe we wonder what others think of us and desire praise, attention or adoration. Egotistical? Narcissistic? Sure, it happens to us all.
The same egoic mind that creates the "little me" ego identity may turn on us and attempt to shame us by creating guilt.
Listen for the thoughts that accompany self-blame: "You shouldn't have done that", "you shouldn't think like that", "you have too much pride, you're a narcissist", "you were such an ass!", "how could you have been so selfish, rude, uncaring, hot-headed...".
The ego pronounces judgment and pounces to attack, to punish. The ego is crafty.
It doesn't care whether it attacks "others" through criticism or if it attacks the mind that is its host, by judging "ourselves".
When we feel shame and guilt upon discovering our "human moments" of thinking or behavior of which we aren't proud, we can catch the ego circling "through the back door". Rather than despair, we can be encouraged.
As the Awakening Consciousness moves within us, we experience heightened moments of seeing our own human conditioning, pure unconsciousness. These times of purification are when we become hyper-sensitive to our own errors which feel intensely blown out of proportion. Our minor "errors" feel "billboard big". We may recoil in mortification and humiliation.
The benefit of this magnification is that our conditioning becomes easier to see. If we were not spiritually growing, our behavior would never cross our minds. We'd not be introspective nor would we second guess nor consider alternatives. We'd be hypnotized by our unconsciousness, pulled along on automatic pilot with no desire to question nor look for a way of living without suffering.
Simply allow the criticism to arise and watch it. Just as in meditation, breathe and observe the egoic mind as it slings its arrows. It cannot hurt "you" although it might feel painful as the egoic identity cracks and breaks apart within the purifying Light of our Awareness. The very fact we've caught these guilty feelings of self-blame is progress. That deepest part of us beyond human condtioning, Awareness, is awake, aware and doing Its consciousness-raising work.
Making an error is not a sign we're not "being spiritual". We've not failed. The "Seeing" of the error is the success.
The error is arising as part of the process of purifying the thinking mind and it is perfectly-designed. This deeply abiding Sight registers a better way which will reveal Itself when we invite inner guidance with open willingness. Humility may come, yet we need not feel "wrong". We simply oops'd, got caught up in the unconsciousness of human conditioning.
Take a moment to be still. Sit with the feelings, the questions, the self-criticism and breathe. Resist nothing.
Focus attention towards feeling your inner aliveness and wait. Breathe. Allow and accept. With each thought or feeling that arises, ask "if I were to considet letting go of this thought or feeling, what remains?" Wait, breathe.
Can we sense what remains without thought, without feeling? How might we feel if it were impossible to think the thoughts or impossible to feel the feelings?
Is there a glimpse the spaciousness within which all thoughts and feelings can arise?
Can you feel this deepest part of You, your Beingness?
We are the field of Consciousness within which the subtle objects of thoughts and feelings can manifest in form.
How is it that one can "see" thoughts and feelings?
When "seeing" patterns of thinking mind, Who or What is This which sees?
This is our spiritual essence. Sit in this safe space and wait, watch.
Ask "Who am I? If I can see the narcissistic little egoic me, who am I?"
Wait in earnest for That which cannot be described in words. When it arises, a smile may spread across our face.
We might just laugh at the little narcissistic ego. So silly, so human, so innocent. And so we move on, free to discover the next egoic pattern with an empathetic giggle for the silly dance of the narcissistic "little me”.
With You as Awakening Unfolds