You’re my good girl, I’m so lucky to have a good girl like you as my girlfriend. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” He said those words to me almost every night while we were together.
And then cheated on me with a beautiful, blond voluptuous stripper as he spiraled into addiction.
My heart felt as if it had been ripped from my body with bare hands when I followed my gut and confronted him about it. He didn’t deny it.
It was the biggest gift anyone ever gave me.
I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the first of several pivotal moments that would ultimately shape the strength, character and resilience that I have since grown to rely on almost daily. It was also the moment that a part of me that had been holding me back my whole life - my inner good girl - drank her first sip of poison.
And started laying the foundation for who I continue to become to this day.
The initial anger and grief were mind numbing. I barely ate or slept for months. I kept myself endlessly busy and did anything and everything to avoid, numb and free myself of the pain that inevitably followed. And for almost a full year after, I walked around as a 90 pound shell of the person I used to be. And yet, even in that shell, the “good girl” somehow managed to survive and keep herself alive.
Throughout it all, she was careful to keep that smile on her face even when her heart felt like doing nothing but crying. ￼
✨She ignored the heartache and continued to show up for others even when her heart, mind and body kept begging for rest and pleading with her to show up for herself instead.
✨She was the first in every morning at work and one of the last to leave.
✨She acted unphased when asked how she was doing and smiled nonchalantly when others complimented her for how “strongly” she was handling it all.
✨She pretended she didn’t care and was “over it” even when it was all she thought about. Whatever it took to make sure nobody would think of her as being weak.
✨She became practiced at hiding her feelings in front of others. And a master of ignoring them when she was alone.
And throughout it all, she continued to work hard to make sure she didn’t disappoint anyone else by being too “caught up” in her own pain. More than ever she put others first so they would all see just how “good” she was.
The relationship may have been gone but
the patterns that had led me there were still well and alive. And continuing to play out.
And my inner good girl was hanging on them as if her life depended on it. And for her, it did.
Because without those patterns and all the pain they were repeatedly creating, she wouldn’t exist.
But you can only repress pain for so long. And when the pain becomes too intense to be repressed..it finds other, sneakier ways to express itself. Some can be harmful and lead to even more pain. Others can lead to a rebirth.
My pain found its outlet through the birth of my inner “bad(ass) girl”. She didn’t show up right away. I only saw glimpses of her for the first few years.
She was a little unsure of herself and uncertain of what life would look like if she let herself be fully seen. But the more I welcomed her and embraced her insights, the more powerful she became. And that started what ultimately became very own good girl revolution.
To be clear, I’m not talking about suddenly burning bras, endless partying, becoming bitter and hating on men, or deliberately trying to be “bad” somehow.
I’m also not talking about suddenly becoming a bad person. That’s not what it means to let you of your inner good girl. 🚫
What I’m talking about goes way deeper. It meant tapping into and releasing parts of me that I had refused to acknowledge or allow others to see for years on end.
And once she was visible, I couldn’t stop looking at her.
My inner bad doesn’t ignore or avoid pain. She tackles it head on and releases it so it doesn’t stay with her and continues to shape her actions even after the incident that caused the pain has ended.
She sets strong boundaries and has no problem letting people know when they’ve crossed them - both at work and in her personal life.
She speaks up when she feels disrespected.
She follows the Derek Sivers Rule of saying NO to anything that’s not a HELL YES.
She’s willing to disappoint others if it means being supportive of herself instead.
She guards her energy closely and no longer makes herself physically or energetically available to people who don’t have her best interests at heart, don’t deserve her or don’t treat her the way she wants to be treated.
She knows her worth and refuses to let others diminish it simply because her life doesn’t meet their standards for having succeeded as a woman.
She no longer does things just to fit in or meet other people’s expectations. The only approval she needs is her own.
She does all of that while still being compassionate, kind and honoring others. She’s pretty badass and loves to have my back..
She’s also made it clear that she’s here to stay. What I love most about her is I see her everywhere I go.
BECAUSE HER ESSENCE IS ALSO PART OF YOU.
The truth is, we all have our version of an inner “bad” girl. But not all of us have learned how to unleash her. Mainly because we are taught from the time we are young to push her away and take on a persona that isn’t truly who we are in order to be loved, accepted and cared for. So we hide her away and do our best to forget she even exists.
And pretend we don’t need her...or want her in our life. And that we’re happy exactly as we are without her. We become a mere shadow of the person we are meant to be.
And in the process, we dim our light - in some cases turning it off entirely - and tuck our true self away in the dark where she is less likely to be seen. 😔
And less likely to be hurt.
Luckily it’s never too late to turn the lights back on. And step out of hiding and into the big, beautiful light that you were always meant to stand in.
✨To bring back those parts of yourself you’ve been denying for so long.
✨To feel whole again.
✨To feel free again.
✨To feel like your true self again.
If any of this resonates with you, your inner bad bi*ch is letting you know that she’s ready to step out of the darkness also and join in on the good girl revolution.
She is ready to be seen.
She’s ready to be loved, accepted and acknowledged for the badass that she truly is.
She recognizes that she’s not the outcast that society has made her out to be for so long.
She’s ready to be set free so you can start living life on your own terms. And in a way that lets you be happy -and not just everyone around you.🙌
So if you’re hearing her call- listen to her carefully. There’s wisdom in her words. And the message she brings could completely change your life for the better. 💕