Suicide v’s My children

I sat like a puppet on a string I looked up at the rope

The smell of fresh washing in the air and the sun shining through the window so brightly I should have been joyful, but instead I could smell the filth, death calling me, the shame

Im a exhausted like a puppet from all the shows , emotionless, empty with no direction, alone at home what do I do?

Behind the mask

Suicide V’s my children.

Solider on with my armour that is failing to protect me, pay the bills, run the kids to and fro, be robotic towards my family or go peacefully.

Did you know ?

There are two methods of Hanging the long rope which breaks the neck and brings death in 4 minutes. The time in which you could nip to the toilet and make a cup of tea.

Or theres the short rope where the hang man struggles to breath 10 to 30 mins. In this time you could have walked your dog and put the kettle on.

But I questioned myself……. Do I deserve to go fast or slow…. I ask my self.

Thoughts racing no one cares, Ping ping in that moment im annoyed someone interrupting again Ping Ping, Ping Ping, I fell back to reality my phone lights up a text

Saved my life, an angel, a man I had never met became my hero, without him even knowing it. Exhausted I rose from the moment and stepped out of the river of tears and the broken armour. The smell of death in the distance for now, and the sun beaming through the window with the washing taking my breath away.

Instead I spoke to a white coat, so many questions so many why’s, when, who how, what if’s? The white coat questioned my reasoning, my being, my purpose. I never fully told the truth frozen with fear.

I became one of my clients too scared to speak, too scared in case I was judged, to scared to show the pain, the hurt, the torment, the anger the confusion the weakeness, the reality of my being

Almost 2 years pass as though I been at black pool towers the never ending adrenaline, the roller coaster of emotions, self sabotage, v’s self-development.

Prior to this I was a strong independent women, raising two amazing girls alone, whilst working full time as a Advanced child protection social worker for 15 years.

Every day I was fighting for children and families rights, ensuring their needs were met.

What I failed to see was my own needs, my mental health was deteriorating.

Can you relate to this? Have you been so busy with life, that you failed to see yourself struggling?

So much for a caring profession I was being bullied by my manager, everyone saw it besides the managers themselves. It made me realise that they only saw what they wanted to see.

It made me question, my position, my purpose my existence, the message I was giving to my children.

I went of long term sick, struggled financially, No one contacted from work, no one cared, I lost my closest friends, they said mental health issues are selfish. Mental health isn’t selfish, it is a way of our bodies trying to say STOP, Listen, Heal and reflect upon what is happening around you.

A strong independent woman who had saved hundreds of children’s lives and helped families remain together. I was at the brink of throwing mine away.

Hopelessness, fear, numb, financially broken and no one to help me.

So I started to concentrate on new ventures in my life looking at NLP, CBT methods of behaviour patterns and how I could improve me and with a view of going on to still help others but in a different way.

I decided to become a coach. A Positive Relationships and Family Coach, enabling people to reconnect and overcome fears they have.

My newfound career taking off within the pandemic, who would have thought. Interviewed for a new book being published next year, I even had my own radio show I was excited to be developing my new ambitions.

I regained self confidence, self esteem, my medication was working, I felt stable.

Midnight I’m sat alone, Rope V’s Children

I burnt the rope……………

Love is greater in person that six foot under. Pinoccio was alive, breathing fresh air and full of billions of moliculces ready to conquer the world.

Remember my hero, well the phone call came, the call I was dreading, he has stage 3 cancer, chemo starts next week, im the only person besides his brother he has told. I felt my world had crashed around me, my hero who saved my life, but now I cannot save his.

His life in the fate of the universe. I thought why, why is life so cruel, so many amazing people become so ill and taken too soon, yet those that seem to abuse, continue their life as though they rule.

I wobbled in the moment wished I had taken my own life, to loose another person I cared for and who had cared for me, who had made me feel safe, secure and worthy. The thought of him not being there anymore, petrifies me. I reached for my mask

But he told me I’m his beautiful butterfly and my wings have grown, I’m to show the world who I truly am and believe that all will be ok.

But it still left me wondering…

Rope V’s my hero……………. Is Mental Health selfish? Ping ping ping ping, interrupts me thought again, back to reality, my heart sinks the results are in my heros day of reckoning

The white coats have saved my hero they have performed the magic selfishly I needed, my hero has a chance. One day I might actually meet him in person, to thank him to say I love you to hold him. My hero, my angel, my friend

Key facts

• Suicide is a significant public health and social inequality issue, with more than 6,000 people across the UK and Republic of Ireland taking their own lives each year. Tens of thousands more attempt suicide. Suicides are preventable with timely, evidence-based interventions.

• More than 1 in 20 people make a suicide attempt at some point in their lives. That means there is at least one or more of you watching today has made an attempt on your live.

• more likely among men than women, and in particular men in their 40s and 50s.

• Some people considering suicide may hint at or even disclose to friends they intend to take their own lives. Other people who are feeling suicidal might not mention it at all or give any indication of their intention.

• Only a third of people who die by suicide have been in contact with specialist mental health services in the year before their death.

So If you are somebody in this room who is struggling to manage your emotions, feeling overwhelmed with relationships, work or just life in general, I can help you.

Do you want to regain self confidence, self worth, learn to understand your emotions, how they feel and finally communicate them in a way which is healthy.

I do this through one to one coaching or through a powerful 12 week programs.

Please take control now of you and contact me because your life is so much more valuable than you realise you are loved you are worth it.

“The Behind the mask” - By Anna Scott