**So, you are unhappy in your marriage. **You’re wondering whether you should just end it, or should stay together “for the kids.”
-Here’s the sad truth: whether you stay together in an unhappy marriage or whether you divorce, your children will be damaged and live damaged lives as adults.
- Let me explain. A researcher stayed in touch with children of divorce and reported their life situations 25 years later. (See book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: the 25 year landmark study.) ALL had damaged or self-limited lives, even if the divorce had been amicable. It starts with the damage children experience, beginning with their oft-erroneous conclusion that “It’s all my fault.” Then the damage builds from there as more and more pieces of their lives skew away from a happy overall carefree childhood. And it culminates in adults who distrust relationships and stability, who expect to encounter surprise unpleasantnesses.
- But unhappy marriages staying together ALSO create damaged adults. I have worked with them in my LIIFT UnTherapy practice. Too often they experience emotional and/or physical abuse which scars them for life unless they receive good healing help. And they accept the model of two unhappy adults stuck in a “marriage” as the way life and marriage are meant to be.
- There is only one way to bring a positive income for children in a troubled marriage that I know of. If you are truly concerned about your marriage's effect on your children, get you and your partner to a competent relationship counselor to determine how to revive your marriage. And if that doesn't work or your partner won't genuinely and enthusiastically participate, guillotine the marriage now so your kids learn that it is important and possible to take care of yourself and chart your own way through to a happy life.
- Here’s a relevant study, I believe from the Gottman Institute. They studied what would happen over the years to unhappily married couples who would not or could not divorce. Fast forward 5 years. By then 82% of these couples were fully back in love again. (And I have seen such a change in as little as 2 months.)
- That said, I do encourage couples to do preventive maintenance to avoid becoming a party to a less-than-happy marriage. My wife and I are good examples of that approach. Both of us coming from difficult family situations, we recognized even before marriage that we would need to improve our relationship skills it our marriage were to succeed. So for the first three years we saw a competent relationship counselor once a month, so if any weeds had started to grow, they were only an inch high when we discovered and pulled them. After the 3 years we slowly reduced the frequency of our sessions. Now, in our 28th year, we still go once a year. And we still benefit from it.
- Or, if you are in the middle of marriage trouble, find a competent relationship counselor and start going regularly. It’s also possible you and your partner will find it useful to see other counselors separately too, to address any individual damage which is handicapping your marriage.

• Where to look for good help? I recommend Transactional Analysis counselors for your couples work. (see North American Transactional Analysis Association (NATAA) for a list of practitioners.) In many situations, a LIIFT UnTherapist can also help your marriage issues and individual damage. (see LIIFT UnTherapy website for list of practitioners.) CoreSpirit does offer some LIIFT practitioners and may well have some Transactional Analysis counselors available too.
• I have heard good things about relationship enhancement workshops, but would be very cautious about any which are sponsored by churches or “pro-family” institutions. I have encountered too many clients who had tried “Christian” counseling, only to end up more damaged from the experience.
  - In conclusion: you can minimize the harm to your children from a troubled marriage or partnership only if you and your partner take positive action to reinvigorate your love and your marriage or if the relationship proves unsalvageable, to quickly end it so your children can witness at least one of their parents exerting positive action to create the best life possible for themselves and their children.
  - (image courtesy of freepik.com)