Fighting my inner demons to defeat depression
If I were to rewind to 3 years ago, I would find myself sulking and typing in my sob story on my cellphone diary every other night I fought with my partner. Most of my unhappiness came from the belief that 'this was it..my life, shallower than the fords of a summer lagoon'. Is it necessary to have childhood trauma, abusive relationships and drugs involved to fall into the deep abyss of depression? For me and my core spirit, the answer is a big NO.
In my earliest memories of being the youngest of the three siblings who had decent parents taking care of them, I was still hurting and exploring life with a heaviness in my heart. I didn't notice for the simple reason that it is unlikely for a four year to stop and ask herself, 'Am I feeling normal!' Let alone think about the signs of depression nibbling away my childhood. So life went by, and probably someday in my teens, as I walked back from school on that narrow road with the water hand pump in the turning by the house where the rumoured sage lived, I might have learned something was off.
Steered far away from my career aspirations and living a life that seemed a self-imposed punishment, I was far from being enlightened. What happens when subjected to chronic emotional pain and stress? In my case, I dusted off my early memories of spiritualism and took a few steps forward, keen to hold onto something that gave me hope in times of utmost despair. I have to admit my choice was limited, considering that any therapy tweaking my hormones would have let loose those gruesome migraines that I sadly couldn't learn to bear.
Who are the demons? Is it just the shadows that peep out of the dancing drapes near your chalky white bedroom window? If so, don't they vanish the minute you close your eyes and whisper it's nothing but my illusion. A tinge of the cosmos power is within you and, it is more than enough; but the hard part is to accept it, acknowledge it and act on it. For those of you who have wondered the purpose of existence, you are already spiritually inclined, and the void inside may only fill with answers to your chatter mind. The move will be brave, and it's easier to be still, but the stillness will remain outside, as you know; within the chaos can't be done with a kill.
Stepping out and facing the wilderness blemished with reflections of societal norms with a poker face is fighting the demon. Preserving your sacred space from infesting black ants is fighting the demon. You choose how you fight, but you fight because you don't want to leave to higher realms from a glum body swept over by regret and consumed by depression someday.