Today was the most difficult day I have ever faced.
Everything in my life, got scrutinized. My studies. My job. My mental well-being. My relationships with family and friends. Even my most sacred love was put under a microscope, examined and challenged every step of the way.
Nothing escaped untouched, as if it were forced to stand trial for its right to exist in my life. Yet despite all that, I held onto it with an unwavering passion that burned brighter than ever before.
After 18 years of life, suddenly everything changed. Without warning, my world was turned upside down.
These last days felt unbearably painful. I may be exaggerating, but my childhood wasn’t the best nor the worst. I was exposed to physical and mental abuse, with the cruelest words coming from my own mother. They still linger in my mind, always accompanying me wherever I go.
Staring into the mirror, her words echoed in my mind, loud and clear. I had just taken a bite of food, yet her voice whispered in my ear that I should not be eating. Her voice reminded me of how I didnt deserve to be loved, how I wasn’t enough. Such thoughts overwhelmed me and tears started to roll in my eyes.
I remembered the positive things that had happened in my life, and that’s how I kept myself together.
These words slowly clawed their way into my mind, consuming me with every agonizing second that passed.
But today, life came swinging. Not just me, but life itself defied and took a stand.
I was thrust into the maelstrom of life, my body aching and my spirit broken. Entering this wild storm felt like it was tearing me apart. But as the winds died down, I discovered a strange sense of relief in their absence. Though entering this hurricane had been uncomfortable and frightening, making it through to calmer waters gave me the courage to persevere.
I am glad.
Even if this path of education or this choice of career isn’t for me, that’s okay. I may feel overwhelmed and exhausted, but that’s understandable. I’m allowed to reevaluate my relationships and prioritize the bonds with the people I love. And while my love for myself might not be enough right now, it will come in time, and that is perfectly alright.
I no longer need to strive for unattainable goals or please others in order to find solace. At last I have reached a place of acceptance and peace with the changes that life brings. But this newfound tranquility doesn’t come without its own sense of pain, as the realization that I must let go of all my expectations is a bitter pill to swallow. Change can be hard, but this is part and parcel of life’s ever-changing journey.
So be it.
Fuck that stupid voice.
I am uncovering my true self and reclaiming my voice. I am discovering who I want to be, who I was born to be. As the days pass, I am becoming more and more accepting of my body for all its power in keeping me alive. My strength growing steadily, thank you for empowering me.
But I’m not where I need to be yet. And achingly, it still hurts.
I tear off the band-aid, and begin my journey of healing. This is not the end — this is only the start. I am strong, resilient, and more confident than ever before. I will prevail.
This life… is just the start. Even after the storm has raged, a new and greater journey awaits. Life itself. I am ready to take it on head-on, no matter what comes my way. It’s time to embrace all that life has to offer with fierce determination and passion.
I am ready .
Everything is falling into place.
Written by Ahsenur Bindik 09/05/2023 00:34