I remember it like it was yesterday. I was a baby, but something didn't feel right. I'm 4 years old and I'm male but I don't feel like a boy. I did what anyone would do when you don't feel right. I told my mom. She said that it was okay that I didn't feel like a boy. Later on I remember my teachers being involved letting my parents know that there was something wrong with me. I remember being examined by doctors, but nothing came of it. I assume I never saw a specialist because my dad probably didn't have health insurance back in the late 70's early 80's. After a while it was all buried. We never spoke of it again. But the feeling persisted my entire life. I have never felt like a boy. One of the first clues was I questioned the male gender roles. I hated the idea of being a man and not staying home and taking care of the house instead. This was the late 70's after all. My mom was a house wife, and that's what I wanted to be.
Nobody chooses to feel this way. it just is what it is. I am one of the unlucky ones who's gender doesn't match their sex. What can I do about it? I have always been a shy scared of my own shadow kind of person, and I don't feel comfortable with the idea of presenting as a woman. Although I would love to if I could get away with it. If I were only 5'5" tall and 140 pounds! But no.. I am a 6'1" XL Male that doesn't look too good in feminine clothing. So I do a tomboy look with casual women's clothes to calm the feelings of my gender not matching my sex. When I look down and I see pink socks I feel a whole lot better.
I don't see myself ever having hormone replacement therapy. I have always had naturally high estrogen my entire life. I have b-cup boobs and softer facial features for a male. My testosterone levels have always been at the lowest end of normal male levels. Just enough to let you all know I am male. I hate it. My gender dysphoria isn't bad enough to feel the need for gender affirming surgeries though. Wearing masculine women's clothing calms the dysphoria. I still have a bit of a feminine look about me similar to a tomboy lesbian. Which I have always felt like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
I think about gender all the time. Gender is on my mind 24/7 pretty much. Why? Who knows? It's something going on in the brain. Nobody chooses to be transgender!
Now after 46 years of hiding in the shadows I am feeling better about myself. I know I have a normal human condition known as gender dysphoria. Do I have to medically transition? No I don't! But I do have to acknowledge my inner sense of female gender identity or I will spiral into a deep depression. That's how I know that this is very real and very serious.
The right-wing republicans want us gone and they have declared war on us.
They have stumbled onto a goldmine for donations and right-wing media subscriptions in the multi-millions. Hating on the transgender people seems to be what they are leading with in the 2024 political campaign message of Donald Trump. Eliminate gender affirming care for all ages. It's not just about the children anymore. It's genocide. Who is standing up for us? Anyone? We'll see how this goes. This disgusting pile of misinformation that was released by the Trump campaign should have everybody up in arms. What's next we should all be asking ourselves? Who will be their next target if we let this happen? Who would have thought that this would be a major issue with people in 2023? Whatever happened to live and let live?
By Anna B.
Photo by Lena Balk
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