It's Not Free

A few weeks ago, I participated in a plant medicine ceremony. I took six grams of psilocybin, enough to be considered a heroic dose. I've written about my experience using hallucinogens in several of my blogs. It is something I've engaged in over the past fifty years, not consistently, just as needed. Over the last several years, I've taken psilocybin 2 to 3 times a year.

The plant medicine is transformative. It provides a transcendental experience, offering an invitation to experience the totality of one's being without the constant commentary of the mind. For me it is something I engage in when I feel the pressure for clarity and insight about some part of my life, an issue of personal growth calling for my attention.

It reveals information about myself not fully in my awareness that will help bring myself more fully into my life. The mushrooms provide access to an intelligence outside of myself. I am offered insights and healing that help clear away any mental and emotional debris in the way of my growth and a deepened experience of who I am.

This journey was about self-love and acceptance, revealing a part of me that I had kept hidden most of my life. A part of me that was sealed in place using shame and fear as the cement of what seemed like a place of perceived sanctuary. I find that eventually, all those things we keep hidden will create a compelling need to find expression. That act of bringing what needs examination into the light is best done with volition, consciously, with self-awareness, and not done through an unhealed, unintended and unconscious public demonstration.

How often do we, do I give a piece of who I am away to fit in? To mask up and create a personality to project a version of myself that's not completely true or authentic. What is the cost to me, to each one of us of that behavior?
How often do I diminish who I am to accommodate my discomfort of feeling "not enough" when I'm around people that I perceive are smarter or more successful than I am. Those encounters leave me feeling less then. Fear, shame, and self-judgment arise out of the shadows of who I really am. I am not willing to do that anymore. I seek self-acceptance by being authentic, vulnerable, and living my life openly.

Why do we often think we're not enough? Why do we tend to compensate for who we think we should be? I'm 71. My spiritual journey started in high school. I lived in a yoga ashram, spent time with shamans in South America, and have a relationship with a spiritual teacher for over 20 years. After decades of searching for the "meaning of life," I came to realize I needed to look no further than myself. There are almost eight billion people on this planet, all of whom are uniquely different. There are no two people alike. If we are truly made in God's image, we are already perfect. We are all perfect gifts of creation that uniquely reflect the meaning of life. I am, we are each the purpose of life. According to the universe, that must be enough.

Ultimately, it comes down to making the most informed decision about how I want to live my life. It is about the choices I make and where I choose to imbue meaning. Through that intention, I continually deepen my connection to myself and the the divine. I need to always choose love. Love for myself. Love for all that is. That doesn't mean I should stand by and let bad things happen. Yes, there is evil in the world that needs to be met with resolve. I chose to make love and acceptance my default expression.

Accountability and integrity are beacons that inform and guide me in the choices I make as I move through life. Not always perfectly, but always a direction I navigate by. To grow, mature, and access my own wisdom, I need my life reflected back to me. I need that reflection to be able to understand self-inflicted and often misconstrued perceptions of my life. I am blessed to have a community of people who will hold me accountable for being authentic in each moment, no matter how uncomfortable that might be. It is the gift of honesty, love, and compassion offered to me by those people who help me bring myself forward authentically and vulnerably. Their invitation is that all of me is welcome.

Another friend participating in the medicine ceremony, shared that he is the hero that he's been waiting for and the wise man he has been looking for. His life practice, my life practice is to listen and engage that wisdom.

One of the many things that Ram Dass has shared that resonates with me is, "that we all try so hard to get here." It's direct, to the point, and sometimes very elusive. This compels me toward the continual process of self-examination. Everything, and everyone, arises from the same ineffable movement of the creative impulse of divine consciousness. There is no judgment, just the pure expression of life.

Amidst the chaos and uncertainty of life, I remain open to Grace and the gift of my life.