Secure, when used as an adjective, according to the Cambridge dictionary, can mean “being fixed firmly and correctly and therefore not likely to move, fall, or break” it also means to be “protected”, likely to continue and not fail or be lost. Secure in this context simply means confidence, not doubting, being sure.
The other day, after speaking to my ex-husband about something to do with our son's school arrangements for the new year, it occurred to me how we often only understand the word secure in the context of being insecure. This often revolves around a third party suspected of being involved in a relationship. In the case of this call, I got a sense that he felt insecure about information he thought I had not given him. Considering the dynamics of our relationship, one can deduce that this feeling may be largely caused by his experiences around the ending of our marriage. And I can honestly say I understood – I had, after all, been there for years. This understanding allowed me to hold him in compassion and, in an effort to relieve his doubt and his uncertainty, I resent him the information he thought he didn’t have to ease his discomfort.
Roughly a year after my divorce, I was sitting at Mugg & Bean having breakfast, and two ladies were sitting across the table from me. I was instructed by Spirit to speak to one of them and ask her if she was a coach. She happened to be one, and I knew I had to see her. I generally needed to consolidate what was going on in my life. I had just graduated as a sangoma (shaman), my life as a single mom of two had just begun, and I really wanted to fit the puzzle pieces of my new life together. This fundamentally meant gaining clarity around my core values – what I call the foundation of my life, identifying what I wanted to do with the next phase of my life, and work out how I would navigate that journey.
By doing this shadow work, I realised that one of my core values was “Security”. That meant having a sense of security was high up on my Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. But what does security in the psychological sense mean? For me, then, it meant feeling safe; being reassured, feeling loved and accepted, belonging… all of which I thought were feelings or states of being my external environment should provide. I had been relying on external factors or people in my life to create this sense of safety and security for me. Oh boy, did I get disappointed!
You see, any feeling or state of being that is influenced by factors external to our inner being are temporary. When people or our external environment change in a way that is inconsistent with what makes us feel safe, it can feel like a rug has been pulled from under our feet. This causes us to experience all sorts of unhelpful, painful emotions – emotions I had contended with for a big chunk of my life, and I wasn’t managing them well. Something had to give. Tony Robbins puts it so well: “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”
And so, through doing my inner healing work, and going through a process of rebirth I have come to understand that I held all the power within me all along. Sounds like a real cliche doesn’t it? But there is no truth greater than this: once we start living in alignment with our Spirit, and retraining ourselves to take responsibility for ourselves (all of ourselves), then BEING you – the real you – starts to take priority in your life. By taking responsibility for ourselves and our lives, we move closer to being true to ourselves, to Being our true Selves. I must admit that it is really hard, but one must grapple with it everyday, until you are stable enough to just flow with the cosmos, as it was originally meant to be.
So far, my life experiences have taught me that I can only really feel secure when I am my true Self – when I choose to show up authentically, meaning my everyday choices are less driven by fear or need for acceptance outside of myself. My choices are now more driven by love. Each day I remember who I am in God [God is Love], and this knowledge compels me to be more purposeful in what I do, to do what is good [through the eyes of Love], and to be more truthful. This includes checking in with myself to understand my motivation for doing or not doing something. This shift has given me an incredible sense of Security. Becoming my true Self has imbued my life with depth, meaning and purpose.