I am scrolling through Twitter with my thoughts chocking in herbal smoke

“Make sure you have a small circle of friends” my eyes read

Scrolling back the whole tweet,

my heart stops, just a little to keep me alive to write this.

“Do I have a small circle of Friends?” I ask myself

What does this statement even mean?

Under the replies, everyone seems to agree with this and keeps saying how important it is especially during hard times.

I don’t think I have a circle full of ‘reliable’ friends who are small enough to float alongside in my now thoughts on a kite.

My friendship is …. I don’t know, I am trying to look for an adjective to describe it

But I will be doing it injustice, I do not want to define it by just one word.

…I have friends who I get high with and just laugh and talk about the craziest things ever!

‘I think the ocean is at a constant war with the land? and that is why it is eating it away.

Do you think one day the ocean will win this war and we become water elements ?”

“What kind of water body would you want to be? “

We talk with my friends as we smoke weed by the Atlantic.

I have friends who we talk business with … you know career business, making money, investments, etc ..you know things that run this capitalistic world?

“ Do you think land is a good investment, What can we do with it?”

“I have been thinking lately about passive income, How are the bonds in the Kenya market ?… the infrastructure bond rate?

“Did you manage to complete your portfolio to make it easy to apply for a job?

”What do you think about this idea? Do you think it is feasible to solve this problem?”

“Let’s push our savings goal to X amount this year”

My friends and I exchange via long-ass texts and voice notes (i do the voice notes, I dislike typing ) and sometimes over cute catch-up video calls that end up being business meetings!

I have friends whom I talk about love, sex, and relationships with …

“ Do you ever squirt? “

“Please don’t talk to your ex, she hurt you and is yet to apologize” ,“How is your boyfriend doing, did you guys finally get on the same page? “How is marriage like, I am so freaking scared of the forever and ever aspect, do you ever get bored? Have you regretted your decision at any point? Would you do it differently?”

“You know I saw somewhere that monogamy is all a capitalistic construct and we are not meant to be one partner … lol”

“Do blue balls hurt” ‘Is orgasm similar to cumming in men ?” “Wait I think reproduction is overrated, I will just adopt”

“Relationships need to be redefined, society has changed and so have women and men; The basic elements of a relationship”

“ Tinder is boring guys try bumble “

“Masturbation has been demonized yet is harmless! Boy, you stand a chance to understand your body without any script! Plus your horniness won’t control you?”

We go back and forth with some of my friends over random sleepovers or those catch-up video calls that turn into sex education and doctor love sessions lol

I have friends who we will go nerdy with …ooooh gosh ! you would think we are some Professors.

“ Have you read this book by Chimamanda? It breaks down feminism in a way I think I kinda agree with, not that I fully understand the whole thing apart from the fight for equality for both women and men …”

“Do you know the body has the capability of healing itself? Just give it time… Let us talk about common flu and how it will always subside after 5 days with or without medicine…”

“I refuse to believe that capitalism is the only construct that makes sense yet there are a lot of people who can’t afford the basics of life yet there are most hardworking people! You can’t even get decent healthcare yet you are the source of labor and productivity that sustains the constructs you live in? “

“Bitcoin will revolutionize the world, it is the path to freedom and power back to people … Check it out on this platform. We could buy a few coins and see how it works! “

“Wait why do we even have visas in Africa… It doesn’t make sense why someone from a different continent travels in our home easily while its inhabitants have to prove themselves worthy! “

This is over our mini and most times random dates, Hikes, road trips, or just chilled afternoons in our homes.

Some of my friends and I daydream together.

We talk about the most daring dreams as we ‘awwwwn’ together through our talks with dilated pupils as imagination feels real in our heads .

“I want to be a nomad; never to have a permanent home! “ “Can you imagine how cute it will be if we go to this place together …check it out on Instagram” “ I would date this celebrity the second they make passes” “ You know when I become a president, I will ensure …” “ If only I could just sit and not do anything all day and still manage to eat lol” “Just imagine me in that music video….that is the kind of love I am talking about.”

“Let us manifest”

This is over our catchup moments. When we are deep in sync with utopia.

I have friends with whom we bond over trauma, depressive episodes, and anxious moments. We talk about things that we thought are only unique to us, until we opened up to each other.

We revisit our childhood days, our parents, our wins, our mistakes, regrets, and the times we became what we heavily condemned “ I will never do this sort of thing eerrr… “ etc

These are the friends I ran to when I make mistakes that I am embarrassed by

When I feel so unworthy, dirty, the greatest sinner to ever exist …

“Ooooh my God, I just did this (of course I won’t share with you guys the details, I owe my friends that lol ) …. I feel terrible ?”

“Do you think life has a meaning …. ?” , I think I have another existential crisis moment”

“I don’t know but I am so anxious nowadays, I can’t even sleep peacefully…”

“I don’t think what we did was terrible, chill we were in the moment let’s forgive ourselves “

“What! You are sleeping with who? Hahaha, at least I won’t be alone in hell. “

“If that’s what you feel then chill out don’t fight it …”

“A man must simp sometimes haha tell me the whole bit…”

“ I can’t believe I ever did that … naaah that could not be me , I swear !”

We open up to ourselves over wine, food, book reviews, and ‘emergency calls”

I don’t know how to have a small circle of friends, I don’t know how to share pieces of me with just a specific set of few friends.

I am not wired like that.

I remember back in school when asked to mention my best friend, I went silent. I actually did not know what that meant.

Do you mean out of all the people I call friends there is one that is ‘best’?

What does that mean?

I was told that a best friend is like a piece of you, you tell them everything; your fears win, doubts, wins, failures…everything!

EVERYTHING !!!

You tell one person everything about your life?

Isn’t that burdensome? Like I could not wrap my mind around that idea.

I tried thinking through my list of friends to see whether there were any that I poured my whole life into.

And there was none.

I tell my friends about different parts of me

Parts of me that vibe with their energy at the time

Parts of me that are comfortable with their soul.

Parts of me that require a challenge

Parts of me that need a drink and good smoke

Parts of me that need encouragement

Parts of me that need to be loved like a baby

Parts of me that need assurance

Parts of me that need spiritual healing

Small small parts of me.

And when I struggle to share parts of me with you … you know the moment I feel like lying … like err I am forcing myself ,that’s when I know that part doesn’t deserve you .

It could be just that moment and I will eventually thaw up to you or never .

Talk of unmatched energy !

I believe each of my friends has a role to play in my life. I do not have a specific formula to decide this. It will just flow with the vibe of our energies .

If we connect over art ,we are going to vibe over art and whatever is in that space. I will invite you to art shows, music, and concerts, share books together, and obsess over a specific photograph.

When we match our daring energies, we will try out new hobbies and things together. We will fall over skateboards and scream on the zipline.

I don’t know what time will require my “real circle” to stand up.

My life is a maze, with no defined paths and thus no shapes to define my friends too.

Guess I will cross the bridge when I get there.