We see all of these social media posts that portray perfect families with best friend mother-daughter relationships and best friend sisters and best friend brothers and closeness and happiness. And I’m going to ruffle some feathers here and be straight up….a lot of that is for show.

But behind all is these masks is a common truth: Every family is fucked up and every family has dysfunction to some degree.

Whether people have been consciously denying it for generations or are aware of it at all, it’s true. Yet most of us still wouldn’t admit that our families have dysfunction because it “doesn’t look good.” Or maybe we are even afraid of being the “crazy” one who sees it. Or maybe some of our family members just don’t have the emotional capacity to face the family trauma and pain— and that’s okay too. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that realizing the truth in my family’s dysfunction does not make me better than anyone, it just means I’m on a different path.

Familial dysfunction could involve: betrayal, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, infidelity, lies, codependence, gaslighting, lack of boundaries, lack of emotional intelligence, denial, unspoken grief, false perfection, drama addiction, substance addiction, manipulation, being toxically positive, being anti-emotions—the list could go on.

And one big thing that burying our family history under the rug causes is shame. And something that I am passionate about is diminishing this shame by being human and making the truth a little bit more normal. I happen to be the crazy one in my family who has her eyes open to the dysfunction.

So if you find yourself being the “one” in your family who has their eyes open to the denial or repressed truths, you are not alone. And it is okay if you deem it necessary to reestablish where you stand in relation to it all.

It’s okay to choose your own peace as a priority.

It’s okay if you choose to have an estranged relationship with a parent.

It’s okay if you feel like you can’t safely be in your truth with certain relatives.

It’s okay to be selective when it comes to family members and your precious energy.

It’s okay if you are not as involved with your family as everyone else around you.

It’s okay if you have to be a “gray rock” when communicating with certain family members in order to protect your inner peace.

The truth is, you always get to choose your own autonomy over your bloodline. You are not here to please everyone or live out your “role” in the family unit that you may have grown up with. You get to choose your role. And if you want to, you get to choose to be your own main character. Not everyone is meant to understand you, including your family.