When couples become one, and not the type of one in a positive way that lift each other up. No no no! this is when they become one that they mould into the other that you can't hear one partner because they sound too much like the other partner.

My mum and her partner are the perfect example of this over the years I have noticed when the Troll ever wants dominance he rants and rages and kicks and screams until he gets his own way.  I mean he is a child a real ego centric person, sure he has feelings, and I can empathise but unlike me he is not trying to deal in a healthy way his feelings and past hurts.  So, it manifests into this surrealist dominance and bad-tempered behaviour he lashes out at any moment or any time of night it doesn't matter especially after a few drinks, too many and especially after whiskey.  My mum is constantly put into a situation where she must agree with him, and it doesn't matter what he is yelling about, friends of his who he feels let down about, a person in the bar, when he is yelling about me calling me lazy, stupid, 'she never worked in her life' he'd say 'she is fat he would say.  When he calls my mum stupid, or 'Ya know nothing, and I thought Ya everything Ya know.  Get out of my life you and your  daughter.'

Well! let me tell you something my friend, you would have no one to love you if it wasn't for my mum,  this man puts his sisters down, he puts his mum down and this is the problem he hates women.  I say he is a closeted gay like most Irish men with catholic upbringings.  His ex-wife and daughter left him, they don't want to know him, and he says I want to split him and my mum up and always have done.  I never like The Troll from the beginning as I knew deep down every child knows before the single parent does, but the single parent is lonely and doesn't want to listen.  For this I can empathise with my mum but then I can also feel angry at her for bringing him to our family such a monster, he is also like a Jekyll and Mr Hyde so he can be nice and has been nice in the past, he has helped me with money but in all honesty that was purely just to buy my affection and I don't truly believe it was because he saw me like the step daughter he should have done.

When your partner with a single parent you take in their child too, no question if you don't wish to take in the child and be a part of their emotional development then you just leave the single parent alone, because it's toxic to do otherwise as you will only be a part of a developing problem and cause further trauma to your partner's child especially if they come from sexual abuse like I have, my mum's partner caused more pain in my life not only my father rejected me but The Troll rejected me and didn't want to be my father.  We could have healed one another but he chose not too and to this day still chooses to hate me I get all the abuse and his daughter gets away with nothing.  How is that fair? but there is always a spiritual reason for everything I firmly believe that I have to, or I will go insane.

As for my mum moulding into her partner over the years when I sought solace in my mum if she was too afraid to rock the boat or kick the sleeping bull in case of disturbing him and then waking him up and seeing a red flag of rage.  She would respond to me, and I swear it sounded exactly like him.  Let me try and think back to an example I heard my mum say many times 'I can't listen to her either.' and The Troll would say 'Tell her you can't listen, just stop it, don't listen.' so as the years went on and I got older my mum would brush me off when I needed her to hear me.  I understand I couldn't and can't have all my mum's attention, but she is my only family and making friends true friends is a lot harder for me as I have had bad experiences in the past with being able to trust others, so I have tried and failed and again and again only to be hurt deeply by others so then I began to isolate myself rely only on myself and it has done me the world of good.

   My spiritual path became stronger, and balanced with my 3D world, I became more resilient also so now I push people away the wrong people away; I am not settling as I deserve better.  My animal friends and family are always constant, but I still need my mum emotionally when everything else in my 3D world is caving in around me and The Troll is abusive, he knows I need my mum still at times and he tries to get in between us, but it won't work.  Over the years I became so angry and resentful with my mum I felt she never really tried to get me back from her family or she didn't try to get justice for my sexual abuse I do remember her bringing me to be examined, but that is as far as it went.  So having a parasite like my mums partner The Troll feeding on those difficulties and knowing how to use it to break us further and further apart is very upsetting and it deeply hurts me.  How can a partner break up a parent and child, but you see, he isn't with his child, so he doesn't want my mum to have her child. 

So, he sneakily lurks in the background waiting until my anger at my mum explodes and he knows how to trigger those emotions in me.  When he shouts at her and shouts about me, I get so angry, and my rage begins to fester and bubble until I cry.  My shadow work helps me a lot, but my inner wolf shadow is not happy, and she wants to protect me so I must leave again and not come back this time hopefully I pray to the universe to help me, my spirit guides to help me and my ancestors to help me.  Because I would tear my mum's partner apart until his insides are turned inside out and I would watch him bleed out slowly and painfully gasping for air until his last breath. And the Troll knows this I told him once it was good, he doesn't eat my cooking as he is constantly saying I can't cook just because I burnt his steak when I was 16 years old, but I burnt it on purpose, so to this day he doesn't eat my cooking and a few years ago I told him if he did, I would put poison in it.  His face dropped so he knows how I truly feel about him, do you see how these types of people can make us feel like doing such horrible things and this hurts me deep inside because all I ever wanted was a father to love me and now all I ever want is for my Twin Flame to come back for me and love me, men only let me down and so far this has been a constant in my life. 

I only wish to love and be loved to share my life and all its burdens with the man I love and if he wanted a polyamory relationship with another woman this would also be alright with me as long as we shared her, and the woman would love me and I can love her as I am pansexual, and I am perfectly cool with this arrangement but only with the right man and woman can this work well.  In my healing with bone washing and reiki attunements I have resolved a lot of my emotional difficulties and emotional feelings towards my sexuality and I have come to realise that the only way I can be loved is to love myself first and even though people tell us this through the years we must feel it ourselves and learn these lessons ourselves to truly move on in life.  My sexual abuse has affected everything in my life and how I stand up for myself too but since I have been healing energetically and internally life is getting better and I know that success too will find me not temporary successes that last only seven years like my first art and theatre career but indefinitely for my future.  I am learning to accept myself fully inside and out and I hope my Twin Flame feels this and I hope other people see my light as I am ready now to share my life with my Twin Flame but live and be a strong healthy individual balanced in all aspects in my life and I wish the same for my Twin Flame to be healthy, strong and well balanced in their life and then we can live strong and healthy together, without moulding into the other as this is not healthy.

What I have learned about life, when you are in a family or step family that treats you like a scape goat, verbally abuses you, mentally, emotionally abuses you, you learn very early on how society may treat you, therefore you manifest people like your family into your life only to perpetuate further abuse. Because you think you deserve this abuse and treatment, unless you heal these wounds nothing will change, you will not grow or develop healthier out looks of yourself and of others. Inner work is required on your inner child and shadow work as it will help you in your life, to transmute your feelings and integrate, collaborate. We don't forget our trauma, nor do we completely heal but we can be in a place of acceptance and from there we can live a healthier loving life in balance.

Blessings

Luna Phoenix Camille
Holistic Therapist Practitioner-Coach
Writer/Illustrator/Painter
Trainee Teacher/Trainee Public Speaker