Please note the timeline might be slightly off. As this book is written over a lifetime. In its original form it was written in thousands, if not more pieces. It took over 30 years to come into any form of structure; another five years to even form the draft version of the format. Then another 3 (and ongoing) to be in this current version. Please be warned: I am not a writer. I never thought to ever write a book, nor would even think this is the book I would write.
I am not rich, I cannot afford a professional editor, but even if I could. The topics within this book are very controversial. I do not yet know anyone who is willing to edit it and that I can trust, to understand what I am trying to say without changing nor warping what I intend to express. I am a very private person and the experiences in this book are vulnerabilities that I was taught I am to hide and stay silent about all my life. So, finding someone I can trust to understand, is kind, open, and generous enough to try to allow me to do what I am here to do has been tough. So, I apologize for the format and any errors that occurs in it.
# Book 1: Intro: The Many Whys
I am not a writer. I am not even REMOTELY talented with words both verbally and written. I often feel strangled by words and at times, afraid to open my mouth in case I offense someone. Offending someone means I have to spend a ridiculous amount of time (that I often do not have) to try to explain and then detangles those explanations to make them understand what I wanted to say in the first place. I am considered fluent in the languages I know, but they felt foreign to me in ways I could not understand nor express until just a few years ago when the answers to my life’s purpose was clarified.
With my history of crashing and burning every time I try to express myself, why then am I writing a book you wonder? I have asked myself the same question for the past seven or so years as I agonize over the task. For someone who rarely shed tears; I have shed a ridiculous number of tears over this. Not only does the history of being choked by words makes the thought of writing a book terrifying to me. The idea that I am baring my soul to total strangers and publishing something that could affects others when, I, could barely accept it fully yet, is border on insanity to me.
Have you ever felt are you born to do something? It is so deeply embedded into your existent that you feel choked by it? I guess to some people the idea of being born to know your calling in life; to be able to contribute to a greater purpose; to know your ultimate role and purpose to existence. To be significant enough in this world full of amazing souls; to have access to the cosmic roadmap to the mysteries of life—seem like a great blessing. Born for a purpose, knowing what lies before you—seem very ideal. I mean it seem like half the work is done for you. You are born into a mode; all you have to do now is fill out and complete it. Easy right? A given. Unless…of course, it is something you can never imagine you could do. Then, the idea of destiny is not so appealing. It is a cage with chains and a prison you desperately try to escape from at all cost.
Since I am not going to spin a tale and I have never taken a writing class (other than high school English) to perfect my skill for this, I am just going to approach it the way I see best. After all, this is the record of my life and it should be written the way I know it. I originally tried to follow structures and forms that was taught to me, but that resulted in agonizing frustration because of my unique experiences and lack of expertise with words and its language. So, I decided to throw styles and methods out the window; and do what I can in expressing what I know, so that I can do what I needed to do.
I also just want to let all those whom I have ever encountered and personally know, that thought some of the examples I am using to illustrate what I am trying to express might seem as if our encounter is reflected “negatively”. That you are someone whom I held with “negative” feelings—it is not. Without you I would not have been able to learn all the lessons I have learned to share in this book. Not everyone in everyone else’s life can play the role of the good and supportive person. Because if it is so, we would never be challenged and cannot learn all that we are here to learn.
I am here to learn, so I hold no grudges and petty resentments. On the road to spiritual freedom there is no discrimination and enemies—Just different levels of acceptances of lessons learned and diverse companions you can learn from, and travel with. Every encounter and every lesson—is an honour and perceived with great appreciation and gratitude.
Please accept my pre-apologies for the format of this book. It will not be what you are used to. It has been changed MANY times over the past seven plus years because I have sincerely tried to do it the way I know others, who are more proficient in publishing, has done it. But I am not like them, so trying to do what they do is almost impossible. I have been trying the past seven years or so, and finally accepted the fact that not everyone is the same. Thus, not everyone can have the same talent. Sometimes you just have to try your best and accept that it is not enough, but it is ok. Because you hope your sincere effort and pure intentions count and make up for what you lack.
But if to some people my effort is not enough. Let me remind you. You choose to read this book. I am not asking, and you do not have to. Please do not be upset with me. You are entitled to your choice; entitled to your perspectives; entitled to your opinions—But with those entitlements, you are also entitled to own and be responsible for it.
I am doing what I am here to do if what I wrote triggers you. I suggest you take an internal journey within yourself and do some self-reflects—ask yourself why it is a trigger for you. So that you can become aware and heal the wounds that is cause by the triggers instead of outsourcing yourself onto others. I do not know you, and as I have said, I did not ask you to choose to read this book. So, for what reason would you have to be upset with me?
I wish you a sincere journey to self-healing and spiritual growth.