I used to get angry. I’d react to certain situations that triggered something negative in me. My immediate thought in retrospect to those instances were thoughts of my father, who was also hot tempered. And I’d say to myself, “Great Dad, thanks for the anger hand me downs!” Later on in life, I would also remember hearing my dad telling my mom that anger was a characteristic of his nature. He’d say, “This is who I am!” and “I’m too old to change my ways!” Anger for him was a thing that couldn’t change, and he made it sound as if it was a part of who he was, and who he would always be.
Was this true? Was it so embedded in my father that he couldn’t change? Was I also doomed to be angry for the rest of my life?
ELABORATION OF THE PROBLEM
We all go through life having certain traits that don’t represent the best part of who we are. These conditions big or small can materialize and surface in a variety of ways. Some are in how we conduct our day to day lives or how we react towards people, while for others, it can be a neural trigger to physical reactions. We have somehow come to believe that all these traits are there forever, permanent, throughout all our lifetime. We’d be wrong.
IDENTIFYING THE PROBLEM
First and foremost, do you consider your condition a problem? Do you want to change this trait you struggle with, as might others close to you who struggle in consequence? If your answer is yes, then that’s the first constructive step you’ve taken. If no, then there’s no reason to continue on with this discussion.
One of the most difficult things to do in life is to confront our weaknesses and ultimately their source. We are constantly afraid to look deeply inside ourselves and identify any behavioral challenges that reflect a lesser version of us. Once you’ve named your behavioral habit that needs rectification, whatever it might be, be it anger, judgement, stress, laziness, or any other disruptive trait, then you’ve started on a path to personal transcendence.
A REALIGNMENT PROCESS
Acknowledge: We’ve already elaborated on identifying the problem just now, but in summary, the first step demands acknowledgement and acceptance that you have a problem, want to move away from your victim self, and sincerely demand a change to happen towards your true self.
Validate: Notice how this acknowledged trait has been part of your life and existed within you. Accept its role as it might have been helpful to you up to this point, but stop identifying with it any longer, as it has served its purpose. Hold no grudge against it.
Intentions: If we accept this trait and condone it, then we resist change and let it overcome our better judgement, therefore blocking any opportunity for our personal positive evolution. Once validated, we must then resist any future reiteration and make clear intentions that this behavior is unacceptable. Make the decision to disallow yourself any chance to commit such conduct. This behavior must become taboo in your ethical balance.
Taking Responsibility: In a nutshell, you are responsible. By repeating things that were done to you, you are playing victim to those actions and allowing them to exist. Stop blaming others. What’s happened has happened and is in the past. Accept the responsibility and choose being the cause of your new existence.
Observe & Reflect: Once you’ve accepted responsibility, then practice conscious observation and reflection of yourself, your feelings and your actions. Don’t be discouraged if and when your trait reappears. Hold yourself accountable each time it happens. Then repeat the process over and over again till you behave the way you’d ideally want to behave.
It’s never too late to change, especially when the outcome can be an improved version of ourselves. Such a move will mean a better us, not only for us, but for our families, friends, colleagues and even humanity, yes, I said it, humanity. Help yourself and you will help millions. Changing certain traits will take longer and more effort than others, yet we must be resilient. If we individually stop accepting our shortcomings, their subsequent effects and clearly agree that there’s an opportunity to redirect things for the better, then we have a start to making the most critical of all changes, a change within.