September 18

When Your Twin Flame Disconnects

I had someone ask me recently what the point was if a twin flame was only going to leave after they helped them heal their trauma. Why would they want to help their twin flame if they were going to leave and their next relationship would reap the benefits of the hard work and heartache they put into the twin flame connection. I understand how it might feel that way when a twin flame disconnects and moves on, but the truth is, you were supposed to be healing, too.

Twin flames come together so they can heal from their shared trauma. You both have to work at the healing for the trauma bond to be broken and for you both to move on to happier and healthier relationships. I realize this is not an easy concept to come to terms with. It starts with understanding that twin flame connections are not supposed to be permanent. That's a soulmate connection where the bond that joins you is based on shared energy and love, not shared trauma.

A lot of people misunderstand how I define a twin flame connection, so let me be clear. A twin flame is not the other half of your soul. The universe doesn't split souls and then send them on a scavenger hunt to find each other. You have your own, independent soul and so does your twin flame. You are not two halves of a whole, you are each whole unto yourselves. Instead, a twin flame is someone with whom you have a shared trauma bond. The trauma may be current or spread out over lifetimes. The goal of a twin flame connection is for the two of you to work together to heal the trauma bond so you can each move forward to find happier and healthier connections.

The lifecycle of a twin flame goes something like this:

  1. You meet and your shared trauma bond is formed.
  2. You each work independently and together to heal that trauma.
  3. One or both of you reaches a point of healing.
  4. If you reach it together, you part ways with love in your hearts and healed souls.
  5. If you reach the healing independently, the one who has healed soonest will disconnect because they recognize the fact that what brought you together wasn't healthy and to move on, they have to release the trauma bond.

It's that last part of the cycle that so many people have trouble accepting. When your twin flame moves on before you've healed, it can leave you feeling abandoned and betrayed. You may fall into obsession with who the twin flame was before they healed and find it difficult to continue your own healing so you can move forward.

The best thing I can recommend to those who feel lost when their twin flame disconnects is to step back and examine what you and your partner were working on while you were together. Were you healing from past relationships with people who hurt you? Were you healing from addiction? Whatever it was, that is what you now need to focus most on for your own healing.

For example, I had a twin flame friend for about 13 years. Our shared trauma was relationships with narcissists who used us for whatever they could get from us and then discarded us like so much trash. In fact, we met because we were both dating the same narcissist at the same time. Later, when I was ready to heal, I left him and completely disconnected from him. She left him, too, but more slowly and allowed him back into her life several times that I know of. I later learned she was an addict as well, something I honestly didn't notice because she never changed. She was the same woman I had met 13 years earlier as she was when I fully disconnected from her to save myself heartache and pain.

She allowed her addiction to become an excuse to return to old habits and relationships while I moved on and found that when I loved myself enough, happy and healthy relationships came into my life. So much so that I changed a long-standing determination to not marry again and got married in October of 2020. This twin flame friend was supposed to be my maid of honor, but when the wedding time came, she said nothing and didn't show up. I didn't hear from her until 8 months later, at which time I privately (I didn't even reconnect enough to speak to her message) wished her well and released her from my life completely. I knew I couldn't go back to that kind of energy ever again if I wanted to be happy and healthy with my husband.

I'm sure she feels betrayed that I walked away as I did. I'm sure she wishes our friendship could be a part of her life again. I'm sure she feels these things because she hasn't healed the trauma behind our bond and so cannot move forward herself. She only knows I've moved on and without healing, she may not understand how I could so "easily" leave her behind. Believe me when I say it was not an easy decision on my part. I still love her. She was still my friend and my rock when I needed someone to rely on. But she's also toxic to who I am now.

And that's something to consider when you are looking at your twin flame and wondering how they could have walked away from you. You were both toxic when you met, but they healed their toxicity and became a different being. If you didn't heal, you're now especially toxic to who they have become. You represent the things they've released and may even be a strong temptation to return to the trauma and live in it again. Ask yourself, if you were in their position, would you want to come back to who you are now? If the answer is not just no, but hell no, look at where you can heal your own toxicity.

Think about your twin flame connections. Were you the one who healed and left, or the one who stagnated in the healing process and was left behind? If you want to be able to release your connection to that twin flame, you're going to have to find a way to heal yourself without their input and influence. Look at what they healed and start working on that part of yourself again. Find ways to release your trauma and baggage and you'll find ways to release that twin flame connection as well.

And understand that they didn't leave you because you were a bad person or because they didn't love you. They left you because they loved themselves enough to know the two of you weren't good for each other. They left because they needed to honor who they had become when they were with you by not returning to the toxicity in themselves ever again. It really isn't you, it's them.

So now, rather than seeing your twin flame disconnection as a punishment, use it as a wake-up call. Use it to shine a light on what you still need to heal and then get help healing that trauma. Find a coach or therapist who can help you find the trauma and the blocks you've used to keep it anchored in your heart so you can learn to let it go. When you do this work, no matter how hard it is, you'll find it much easier to be happy and healthy in your life and relationships.

If you're interested in working with me to discover and heal your relationship traumas, please feel free to book a session and we can work together to get your soulmate journey on track. I'm a certified Spiritual, Law of Attraction, and Relationship Life Coach who specializes in helping you align your energy with your soulmate partner.

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