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I Am Nowhere Healed Either-An Old Journal Post

Dec 5, 2023
Core Spirit member since Oct 25, 2023
Reading time 3 min.

I wish to share with you an old journal post, to best understand me as a person. I am nowhere healed and the best teachers, coaches, therapist practitioners, psychologists are never perfect, I do not claim to be an expert nor I do not claim to be a Guru, I will not be a persons saviour, you are your own saviour. I only wish to share information with my community. In Reiki we are thought that, we are a vessel, a conduit for source to speak through us, so my words are apart of me, how i think and feel but in saying that, I am also guided by source, we are all connected and one with source we are an extension of source.

I am sick and tired of getting the brunt end of the fight my mum and her poisonous partner had from the night before. I love my mum yes there are old wounds between us my sperm donor abandoned me, then with my mum being emotionally destroyed she left me with her family from the age of two years until six years, where I was mentally, emotionally and sexually abused. I have been trying to heal in my adult years all my resentment, anger, rage and very dark thoughts imagining the deaths of my abusers and my abusive mum's partner I imagine him falling off a ladder and breaking his neck, having a heart attack, not waking up and shooting him or stabbing him in the heart or stomach, scary huh? I even terrify myself the other night my subconscious self-spoke to me, and she said I would ruin my life if I did something of that nature evil because I am not my abusers, but I am filled with such rage and sadness it hurts so much I wish I could die myself and not ever get reincarnated into this horrible narcissistic society ever again. I pray to the gods and goddesses not to be reborn. I am still wishing for my twin flame my heart my home my love and a family It's hard being in this life so alone, I am ready now for a community around me, family, friends.

When my mum gets picked on by her partner then I feel she wants to pick at me, usually the day after since I am living with them temporarily, she will ask me a question but repeat it several times before I can answer her.  I don't ignore her on purpose but I can feel her emotion as soon as she speaks to me so I get anxious which also comes across defensive as I feel I must explain myself constantly since it's not my house and it's her partners house, so his way that's that, there is no winner here.  Then of course my mum and I fight she says she will leave and that is an old wound my father left, then my mum left me with her abusive family because she had to work to support us, then I explode because she touched an old wound it's so chaotic nothing and no one ever truly heals then everything is pushed under the rug until another day, nothing is ever dealt with.  My mum wants to hug me after the volcano erupted, I am the volcano because I am the one that is silenced as to not to wake the sleeping giant my mum's partner, or I should say Mr Hyde the split personality, 'I need a hug' she says to me I tell her 'no, you only want to silence me and as mum's do they pull you in for a hug even when you don't want one, and their meaning is really that they don't want you to be angry with them, well, my mum at least maybe your mum is different whoever is reading this?

Peace Love and Light
Luna Phoenix Camille
Growing Through Nature Holistic/Therapist Practitioner-Coach Trainee Teacher-Writer Illustrator Painter and Trainee Public Speaker

I am forever expanding my studies to be a multi-disciplined human being. My mediums as I mentioned them are so I can share my work with you, so I truly hope you enjoy reading and soon taking classes with me and therapy/coaching sessions.

Leave your comments / questions

Philip Ebuluofor6mo ago

Emotional one. Try to have it easy with your mum for she is going through hard times too. Easy.