Fat Girl's ParadiseJun 3, 2020
Fat Girl’s Paradise
I can feel my 16 year old self giggle whimsically. She is wise and she knows beauty is transient . Although she can’t help enjoying the attention the cute guy wouldn’t cease to give to her. Her teenage heart leaps in joy over it. She does not care much for it or even work as hard for it but she gets it from everywhere.
The thing was that attention that was being fed to her was soon going to turn to daggers and little did she know that once she had set foot out in the big bad world those daggers would be larger than the compliments she received for just looking or appearing a certain way.
So attention turned to jealousy, to victimisation, to emotional turmoil, to insecurities, competition, lack of self esteem so much so that she began to hide. She began to translate every attention she received negatively and began to go inside a hole. She wanted to hide cause there was so much shame , guilt and pain connected to who she was. How less she felt she was. How less she was infact than so many others who thought were less deserving at all. She thought she was the least deserving of all.
So she began to pile up that shame to hide. She began to pile up layers on her body to not let a guy look at her the same way again cause she knew that would be living one step behind herself or behind her genuine self. Behind the true person she really was and lying about that didn’t feel so good. She didn’t want to be just a man’s attraction and desire. How would he or she know of the internal struggles she went through everyday. Of the heavy light inside her soul she carried against the unjust world full of darkness.
So unlike the story of this 16 year old self who watched her diet and practiced yoga regularly. I stuffed myself and hid myself in those fatty layers. That fat was protecting me from all the attention in the world I didn’t want. I didn’t want it especially from a man. I didn’t want the envy of a girl and friends to stay isolated only cause I was ‘ pretty ’ .
It worked for a while. It helped me navigate better. The daggers weren’t less but my pride was subdued in the ways they were not needed. The fat helped me grow in my values and in my ability to love others without worrying about myself. I spent days hours consoling my friends about love and listening to them cry at 3 past midnight. I did it selflessly. Odd right ? I know but it made me feel safe. I was living through them and denying my own truamas..
The problem started when I began to take my body for granted. I got thyroid and my energy began to diminish. My doctor’s began to tell me that I needed to lose weight. I was a whole 200 pounds but even that didn’t affect me. Then my health began to show serious signs . And they were pretty serious.
My journey turned a 360 degree eventually with healthy eating. I have lost weight and there is more to lose. Now all those pounds I shed are sacred cause every food I have is conscious eating. I see food next to God. I see myself filling up with gratitude and love everytime I eat. I am also now turning a vegan purely for health reasons . So the difference between the 16 year old me and the adult me is that every bit of food I eat is God’s gift or nourishment. It’s divine and helps sustain the life there is. This body itself is in service to God.
Working as a healer I see people transmute intense pain into small victories and sometimes big. And I feel those victories as mine cause I closely see their pain and their loss and can feel my pain transmuted as well. Those that were stored in my body for years and subdued, repressed and not understood. Those wounds were there to teach me about myself. Those wounds turned into the sacred healer.
I continue to lose weight and look amazing. Me and my female friends continue to support each other in pride and in love and greater wisdom of our bodies or the divine feminine. It’s not a childish need for attention anymore. The value of self is imbued in the spirit. The body just expresses what’s inside. Beauty can sometimes be more than just the tangible and it’s a greater experience when you feel that beauty of the spirit than the mere existence of the body..
Don’t get me wrong . Beauty is a gift from God. When a first sight is a pleasant sight that’s just some more joy in the world . First impressions do matter and what better way than to be presentable.
I am just a bit closer than flesh to be impressed by that solely alone.
Stay healthy, your body is a divine temple. Eat right and be grateful for all you got. Our bodies are the most scared vessel that holds our spirit. Continue to honor it and continue to honor the life you are . Continue to move gracefully and become wholesome in your well being and love of all life there is. There is a infinite source of meaning to life and our bodies are just the starting point. Take good care of it and live well 💕💕🙏🙏🥀🥀
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