Erena Oliver

Who is responsible for what?

One mega piece of misinformation in our society today is that we are responsible for another’s happiness! This creates so much conflict, and this conflict creates chaos and confusion, in our mind, body and environment (relationships). This is not harmonious, healing or helpful and will NEVER bring connection.

Feeling responsible for anothers happiness creates conflict, is a burden that breaks our spirit, destroys us and our relationships and leaves us feeling we do not matter.

One of the driving needs for us social beings is connection, this helps us feel significant and gives us certainty and security.
In trying to understand where people have been going wrong and destroying their relationship, I am coming to understand that we, as humans, feel responsible for others happiness, and blame ourselves when the other is not happy! AND that when they are not happy you feel have failed them and failed yourself. For men this often looks like resentment and frustration and women it looks like disappointment and resentment. When this is not understood this ends up in a blaming, shaming cycle.

Imagine being told when you get married that it was your responsibility to make your partner happy and to please them?
Failure is looming on the horizon right there.

We cannot read another’s mind, we cannot understand another’s past, we cannot make them be or do anything – they choose.

You see, happiness is a feeling, not a state. The degree of happiness a person feels comes out as a state – Oh you are happy. Just like our anger comes out as a state – (withdrawal)imploding or exploding.

The most powerful thing as a human that we have is we get to choose how we feel, and many of us were never taught this nor were we taught that when we did not feel good about someone or something to honour that and choose what we wanted to feel instead. (but I digress)

We just want those around us to be happy! Who doesn’t love to be around happy people?

Happiness is a feeling that comes and goes, just like other feelings. Just because someone is not displaying what we think happiness should look like, or they are just not as high on the happiness scale as they can be, does not mean they are not feeling happy.

There are times another maybe preoccupied, have other things on their mind, maybe even feeling troubled about something…their happiness is just underneath that.

When we judge that, when we drop our happy, make no effort to enquire about their current state, or blame ourselves and make it about us failing to make them happy then the cat is among the pigeons.

We know how hard our partner works and know they often would rather be doing something else, something that satisfies lights them up, we feel guilty that we cannot help them, powerless to make it better for them, that perhaps in some way we have failed them and just maybe it is our fault they are stuck in the place they are.

We do things that we think will make them happy, and see that it does, yet because we are doing it out of duty, guilt, resentment, or whatever motivation, it does not bring us happiness – it has not come from our heart, not from a love to do those things and our resentment grows which feeds the guilt and failure. We feel used, like we are trading ourselves, our time, our energy and getting nothing in return.

We go into the “If Only’s, What If’s and maybe if I try harder, be prettier, thinner, or whatever’s” and the self-abuse cycle grows.

It is this anger, self-blame, and resentment we feel that others pick up on, and believe is directed at them, and they withdraw, we withdraw, and the separation grows…we are not connected and conflict reigns.

So, what is the solution? First off

• You are not responsible for anyone else, especially their feelings, actions, or words.
• You are responsible for your feelings, actions, and words.
• Own our own feelings – our emotions will only destroy us and others when we ignore, reject, or suppress them. When we can sit with them, honestly and feel them, not project them on others and let them go we feel safer with ourselves and others feel safer around us.
• Realise that often your feelings are directed at yourself – a part of you that wants to be felt, seen, heard, and understood – a part of you that wants connection, respect, and appreciation.

If you want to know how to do this, or this has resonated in some way with you and you want more information, I welcome a chat – I offer a 30-minute free consult around how we could play together to created connection out of your conflict.

Are you familiar with what abuse looks like? The conflict that Judgment, Criticism, Blame and Shame – the silencing components of abuse, the powerlessness, trauma, and depression they create?

The impact in society is insidious and damaging – we see it in homes, workplaces, schools, and organisations, and continues today from those who continue to strip people of their power, of their humanity.

Unfortunately, women, (as well as men) have been the co-operative components in keeping this cycle alive – every person who has remained silent, protecting the perpetrators at the cost of the mental, physical, and emotional well-being and often lives of their children and themselves.

As humans we are repulsed to even consider that there live amongst us, people who have no regard for another, no respect for themselves or others; it shocks us to see or hear of the pain, and horrors that mankind has committed, and that has become normalised. So many have no idea what they witness and what they experience IS abuse, is violation and the pain is such that they turn a blind eye and would rather not see it or hear it.

To educate, we need to understand what keeps conflict and abuse alive and what it creates, that we can heal and restore connection from conflict.
You may have experienced the terror that judgment, criticism, blame and shame as you grew up and are possibly still experiencing this today.

There are many creators …. parents, family, teachers, co-workers, bosses, or peers – people who make you feel…
• you do not matter,
• you are not good enough,
• you are a waste of space or time
• or harming you physically, mentally, emotionally or through neglect

These contribute to and create conflict, BUT what keeps the conflict alive inside us, and our society is our own personal daily use….
• of put-downs and criticism of ourselves and others when we perceive we have said or done something wrong or not good enough
• of constantly comparing ourselves
• of regurgitating events - what we should have, could have, might have, said or done
• of pity parties we attend in our head
• of stories we keep telling ourselves and whoever will listen
• either remaining silent OR inconsideration of others when we do speak up
• of constant blaming and shaming of others in their mistakes (being human) without supporting them to get help and to change.

Everywhere, for those who feed on the media, in society hatred for others is promoted and encouraged, separation is enforced, fear is fed, and powerlessness, depression, health issues, are rife, in minds, in bodies we continue the conflict and move further from connection.

We see time and again, shame and victimisation which perpetuates the cycle of conflict and abuse – destroying connection. There seems to be an inherent need to persecute, judge, criticise blame or shame instead of empowering through education.

Is there a solution, can we eradicate this conflict and abuse? I believe so.

We only know what we have been taught and so many are uneducated, we are uneducated – we have NOT been shown another way, we have not been informed that what we have been witnessing is not normal, that it is not acceptable. There IS another way.

While most people look outside of themselves for solutions to their challenges and traumas, the answer IS inside us– self-respect, self-acceptance, self-appreciation, which creates respect, acceptance and appreciation of others and helps us all feel connected and through feeling connected we can collaborate, co-create and have deeper compassion for ourselves and others – this is when healing, in us and others, can begin.

There becomes no need to keep persecuting ourselves or others, there is a deep appreciation that there are so many different versions of truth, and only one is true and as humans we will never see that – for we only see through our own perspective and experience.

We are all human + all make mistakes, yet often are so quick to persecute others without consideration or any effort to mend the trauma behind those.

Now IMAGINE, if each person became more aware of how their thoughts, words and actions make them feel? – do they feel connected, safe, respected, accepted, and appreciated OR judged, fearful, and powerless?

AND if each person became aware of the effect of their actions are on others – just imagine. We would be far less judgmental and critical of ourselves and others, less quick to blame or shame ourselves or others.

Because we want connection, to feel safe, respected, accepted and appreciated, and it makes us feel so good, we would choose more and more to quit the judgment, blame and criticism then we would realise the cycle of conflict and abuse CAN be broken.