Catherine Auman LMFT

The word “discipline” is most often attached to things we don’t want to do. We don’t want to exercise and we don’t want to eat right; therefore “discipline” seems like a bummer. Our idea of a well-disciplined person is close to that of a military recruit: rigid and tense, running his or her life like clockwork. It can seem that being well disciplined is saying a big “no” to life.

Hedonism, on the other hand, or the devotion to pleasure, is considered the opposite of discipline. We all pretty much agree on what is pleasurable: bad-for-you foods, beverages, and activities. As Mark Twain once said, “Too much whiskey is barely enough.” The American way of hedonism is that if something is pleasurable, then more would be better.

Neither is true. One must discipline oneself in order to experience pleasure more frequently and more often. For example, you’ve probably figured out that you prefer drinking less alcohol than you did in college because you don’t want the hangovers, decidedly un-fun. Drinking is certainly pleasurable; most people have decided it’s more so in moderation. Delicious food is more pleasurable in small quantities, because then you can also enjoy the pleasure of a fit body rather then the anti-pleasures of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. Many people who refuse discipline find themselves unable to experience pleasure due to sickness or malaise and enervation.

I was taught by one of my early tantra teachers that “pleasure requires constant vigilance.” True hedonism requires discipline, because one must exercise mindful awareness of what will ultimately contribute to pleasure.

We can develop a practice of incorporating daily pleasurable experiences for the body. We’re lucky in urban areas that massages, Jacuzzis, saunas, manicures and pedicures are affordable treats for women and men. We can practice looking at beauty in our many vistas of nature, or in the wonderful art museums (which all have free admission on certain days). We can hike in the hills, go for a swim, or exchange affection with a loved one. If we fail to discipline ourselves to take our pleasure seriously, we are prone to compulsively seek to fulfill this need through addictive pleasures. In other words, if we don’t seek pleasure consciously, we will demand it in unconscious and unhealthy ways.

Many spiritual people try to deny their need for pleasure and deprive themselves, believing asceticism is the way to god. They think of the spiritual path as one of self denial, fasting, weird restrictive diets, and forcing disciplines on themselves that they don’t want and which may even be harmful. I would like to suggest that the spiritual path can be the most pleasurable of all – full of the disciplined pleasure of a great “yes” to life.

This is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s book “Shortcuts to Mindfulness: 100 Ways to Personal and Spiritual Growth”

Sure, I know, there’s work, and working out, and eating right, and the economy, and relationship struggles, and, and, and, … and then if you have kids, there’s even more. What a balancing act! Sometimes, it’s a wonder we have any energy left for sex at all. To make sure it doesn’t get that way for you, learn to become better at managing your stress. Here are some tips:

1. Turn off your phone. The likelihood that there’s going to be an emergency in the next hour is miniscule. If you can’t hear it ringing, you’ll be less likely to get involved in something that this is not the right time for.

2. Cut down the amount of caffeine in your life. If you’re really brave, do away with it all together.

3. Relaxed breathing is full and deep. Stressed out breathing is short and shallow. Practice slowing your breathing and letting it fall all the way below your belly button, down to your genitals. There, doesn’t that feel good? If smokers get to take smoke breaks, the rest of us are owed “breathing breaks.”

4. Use the Rule of Fifteen: Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning. The inevitable morning mishaps will be less irritating, and you’ll get a good start to your day. Allow fifteen minutes of extra time to get to appointments. You’ll feel in control, and everyone else will be impressed with your efficiency.

5. Don’t try to rely on your memory. Get a planner, and write everything down. This will help you get organized, always a good prevention method for fighting stress.

6. Eliminate destructive self-talk such as “I’m too fat…” or “I’m too old…” Either argue with these nonsensical thoughts or get help from a therapist to eradicate them from your life. No one ever improved from being criticized to death.

7. Allow time every day for yourself, for privacy, quiet, and introspection. If the only time for this is in the car, take full advantage of it. Even if it’s only five minutes, if it’s full and present and in the moment, your life will be enriched.

8. Stretch periodically during the day. When you’re at your job, especially if you sit for long periods of time, get up and walk once an hour. Stretch out your neck, your shoulders, and feel how good it is to be in your body.

9. Talk it out. Discussing your situation with a trusted friend or with your lover can help clear your mind of confusion so you can concentrate on real problem solving.

10. Learn to live one day at a time. If you live fully in the present moment, you’ll find there’s very little that needs to be changed.

This article is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s Book “Shortcuts to Mindfulness: 100 Ways to Personal and Spiritual Growth”

Taking a stand that “I’m going to live in love” is saying I’m going to do this. I’m sure in your dating life you’ve come to a place where after a disappointment you decided to stop. I stopped for many years — I didn’t believe it was possible to live in love. I came to realize that unless we have a strong intention that “I’m going to live in love,” we’re likely to give up.

I hear a lot of people say they’d be happy to find love “if it happens.” “If it happens” is not going to happen. I had to make a concerted effort as I would for my career. If you’re over 30 the love you’re looking for is not going to happen magically. As one of my students reports, she met the love of her life “magically” after working on herself diligently for ten years. Being “in love” is a decision, it’s not something that might or might not happen in a fairy land in the sky.

The law of attraction stuff out there that says that if we’re radiating right it will show up — there’s a certain truth to that, but not in the way people think. The first thing is to get really clear that you’re going to live in love, and then you’re going to need to make an action plan. How are you going to meet someone? It doesn’t work to just leave it to chance. Look inside and ask yourself if you feel you’re doing enough. I certainly didn’t want to go on 150 first dates but that’s what it took. Are you willing to put in the effort? Where are you going to put yourself in front of a person so that you can “magically” meet them?

Conventional dating advice is don’t date unless this might be The One. Consequently, we’re sitting home watching Netflix. If we start exercising the ability to open our hearts to people even if they’re not The One, we get a lot closer to attracting our Beloved because we are starting to vibrate with the frequency of love. It starts with saying I don’t want to be alone – I’m going to live in love, even before I meet The One.

© 2020 Catherine Auman

This piece is an excerpt from Catherine’s book Tantric Dating: Bringing Love and Awareness to the Dating Process