August 7

The loneliness behind emotional trauma

Feeling like a victim was something I despised. But that all came with one problem. I identified so much with the victor, you know, the heroic one made of steel, and nothing can get in between. Hurting my feelings? Oh please don't worry about it. As a matter of fact, I AM SORRY YOU ARE SORRY. Some of you must recognize this, right? I mean, don’t leave me hanging here.

One day I woke up, and realized, all this was a coping mechanism to handle emotional trauma growing up. Everybody these days talks about narcissism and how hurtful that is. Like it was only a select few people who got to witness this monstrous behaviour of a person. By observing my surroundings and the way people interact, I have concluded that healthy functional symbiotic relationships of any kind are a rarity. Most people lack a connection with themselves, so how can we know when to create it with another? The kind of relationship I want to experience is the deep kind. Those where you are free to break down in someone's arms and not having them question your sanity. Or the type where you can share your deepest secrets and concerns without them downplaying every word of it. But I guess, most importantly, I want to be that type of person. I want to be the person I never got to experience growing up. A safe person, someone I would trust being so vulnerable with that I trust they will never use it against me. I work on this every day.

You see, I used to have the belief that everything was my fault. Maybe it is easier that way. Someone keeps blaming you, and instead of fighting against it, you agree. At least it feels like the war is over. But it is just kept silent from the rest of the world. I was not the type of person to share anything. I kept it so hidden that I seemed to fool myself as well. This is self-gaslighting. It is painful, and you end up hating yourself because you are causing your own suffering. So what does all this have to do with resisting feeling victimized? Well, if you admit to the way you really feel about the people closest to you hurting you, then one would have to admit to the reality that those same people, in fact, do not care. And then you have to confess to the most painful part, being all alone in your grief. I wanted to end this on a positive note. I am not as alone anymore. Keeping my most vulnerable parts to myself kept me stuck in unhealthy situations. Because what happens when you keep gas-lighting yourself? You end up feeling stuck. When you feel something, but you keep convincing yourself otherwise. In fact, you're a bad person for even feeling that way. Looking back, I can see I grew up with a classic Stockholm syndrome attachment style.

Those feelings are there for a valid reason, and if we ignore them, we never make the necessary changes for a happy life in peace. Personally, I came to a breaking point. Either there had to be a different way to live my life or, I can't do it anymore. Thankfully there was a different way. Slowly but surely, I started opening up to the people I could find that at least had a little bit of safety in their aura. Soft-hearted people that genuinely care about your feelings. They listened, and I will never forget them. You saved my life. And I am forever thankful. Now I learned that everything I feel, is valid and I sit down to hear every message my feelings have to say. Choosing myself when I felt abandoned by the world was the best decision I ever made. And I still learn every day.

Say what you feel. And people belittling it or holding it against you? Sadly, they have no idea what to do with their own trauma. So they end up projecting it. Secondly, you do have the power to choose who gets to be part of your life. You have the power to choose anything in life. Being a victim is a fact in life on some occasions. We can’t pretend that's not the truth. But feeling hurt and alone is a human experience we all go through. I realized if I can not express those scary things, deep in my core I would always feel like a victim because I resisted it so much. Life is more than just happy moments. It is also full of scary experiences that become a little less scary when shared with the ones around us.

Photo by Tijs van Leuron Unsplash

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